Americo & Me

ALL CHANGE

2010-08-09T15:34:00.001+01:00

Four days to go until I am officially unemployed. Phew! How nerve-wracking. I didn’t think I would be feeling quite as sentimental about leaving, when I resigned two months ago, as I do now. The X has been where all my proper, grown up experiences have occurred. This was my first ever permanent job. Whilst I have been working here Americo and I bought our first home, we got engaged and married. All this kindly funded (on my side) by my salary at The X. This job has been the first where I have had a constant, monthly income – I didn’t realise how much I took it for granted. There is nothing quite so satisfying as knowing that next month your bank account will, miraculously, be replenished!

Anyway, I have already jumped so, here’s to a thrilling ride, not to many bumps and a great adventure! Now I am shamelessly going to say that should any of you find yourselves in need of a virtual assistant, for a small fee, I am available at www.theprivatesecretary.co.uk.

In other news, life is very quiet these days with Americo eager beavering about with his MBA. In his words – one month down…….. 23 to go. Comforting thought is it not? However, we did manage to take yesterday off and enjoy the sunshine. On a whim we decided to go to Richmond park, leaving our car at Trevor’s house (in East Sheen.. though he will swear it is Richmond), from there to walk and find a spot in the park.

As we were leaving our car at Trev’s it was only polite to knock on the door and say a friendly hello. To be honest neither of us thought he would be up, after it was only 12pm. [Trevor takes sleeping to Olympic levels.] On this day however, we were in luck, they were up and active we had a quick catch up, outlining our plans for the day. As theirs were along similar lines they came to join us in the park.

What a blissful afternoon.

We lazed about eating, talking nonsense, playing cards – honestly, does life get more perfect? Good friends, great weather and food!

After a slumberous afternoon we played a little Frisbee. Sadly our chosen patch of park was not particularly geared up to running and catching; what with holes, rocks and deer turd (sh*te) littering the space making it all quite hazardous – and that is not even mentioning my lack of hand eye co-ordination, or my windmill running technique.

Americo on the other hand bounced about like an over grown Labrador, catching every Frisbee thrown his way, I eventually sat out just to watch him in action!

BIRTHDAY BLUES...

2010-07-28T16:33:00.001+01:00

Oh NO! Tomorrow, Thursday 29 July, is my birthday and I have to admit to a fairly major struggle with this particular number. It is the big one.. the one I have been dreading since I turned 21 - the 25 PLUS day. You didn’t really think I would say it, did you?

Today I still look in my twenties however tomorrow I am petrified that I will wake up and cracks will have appeared. My body will, over night, have decided to wage war on my mental stability and have drooped, with my bottom hanging on the floor and boobs sagging down by my knees! My hair will turn grey and my face begin to resemble a London street map.

I am horrified about reaching this milestone, there are now people younger than me in the office, when I tick boxes asking for an age selection I have changed category. Even though I knew this day was coming, it still feels like a burglar has attacked and stolen the 2’s from my life!

However, I have made a decision, I shall embrace tomorrow for what it is .. just another number (see only ‘older’ people sprout that crap!) and then lie about what age I actually am! After all, in this day and age there is nothing that cannot be scrapped up off the floor and returned to its rightful position. And the road map? Botox baby, botox.

Studious Much?

2010-07-26T12:00:00.001+01:00

Americo has started his long awaited (and much discussed) MBA. The MBA he decided on is ‘part time’, which means he has to study like a trooper between courses, then goes to an intensive, week long set of classes. These sessions are every few months and between time all students need to keep up their momentum. It is advised that 15 hours of study time are required, per week, in order to meet the MBA programme targets (never mind your actual work??). All I can say is, better him than me, I am more than happy to be the background person, ensuring he eats, sleeps and has clean clothes!

We are slowly getting ourselves into a routine; Americo is up at 5am every morning to hit the books for 3 hours or so before work. To assist with this EARLY start I prepare a thermos of coffee before bed so he has his caffeine hit, almost without opening his eyes! Saturday’s are also reserved for studying, whilst I diligently do the household chores and iron his shirts (a role I have always steered clear of) however in light of the rigorous study requirements anything to give us a little extra time.

Saturday nights and Sundays are our days of rest and relaxation, in preparation for the whole thing to start over again.

As part of the MBA everyone is encouraged to ‘work together’, so Americo has arranged a little study group and they get together at the house every second Saturday. It is all quite exciting and, aside from that shocking wake up I think Americo is feeling quite inspired by the whole thing.

And, I hear you ask, aside from playing Betty Home Maker, what am I up to? Oh, all kinds of intriguing things!

I have handed in my notice at my current place of employment and am looking to start my own little business offering Virtual Assistance to small companies and individuals who find themselves time strapped. We shall see how it pans out but, being ever the optimist, I am hopeful! Either way it is all very exciting and I am learning lots along the way. Plus, I have the added benefit of feeling happier than I have in ages.

The only fly in my ointment is the green stuff! Isn’t that always the case? Money, cash, hard – cold currently, whatever you want to call it, it really does make the world go round. And trust me, I kind of like the way my world spins!! So I shall be pulling out all the stops to ensure not much changes.

I shall keep you updated. Happy Monday.

TIME?

2010-06-04T15:07:00.002+01:00

Sorry, sorry, sorry! It has been so long and, though I would love to give you some fabulous excuse, the truth is I have been busy. Anyhow, I am back now so get yourself a coffee and prepare to be in for a long one. I will get the serious things out of the way first and would like to confirm that, after many, MANY tests, my guinea pig husband has been given the all clear.

Since Americo’s ‘extreme fainting’ life has progressed at an alarming rate - we are already in June and my last post was April. I know, a shocking case of neglect. As per always SOOOO many things have been, and still are, going on…. we had all Americo’s tests, then our medicals for the Aussie visa (I cannot begin to explain how ‘over’ being poked and prodded Americo is!), the flooded house, my ongoing search for a bigger and better pay cheque. Where to begin? I think it will have to be with the ‘Flooded House’.

Finally there is light at the end of that very long tunnel, after months of not much progress things have bounded forward. Two weeks ago I did a stint of working from home so that I could manage the work and workmen at closer range. What bliss .. the working from home part that is! Anyway I digress, we had the damp proof specialists in, who (predictably) damp proofed the house but also, replaced the drenched joist and sprayed for woodworm. Since the house is already in a state, it might as well REALLY be in a state? A few days later two handymen arrived to refit the kitchen and do general handy man type things. I happily let them in, advised what needed doing and promptly went home to get some work done.

At about 3 that afternoon I got a call saying.. “Very sorry love, kitchen won’t be going in today, the new plaster on the wall is too thick and has pushed out the cupboard” (there by pushing out the next one.. and the next – I am sure you get the general idea), “Ok” I responded, “what can we do about that?”
“Well, I have removed what I can and for the rest I will need a power chisel. Think it might be best if you come have a look”.

Back I rushed to the house - I am beginning to feel like a yo yo I am there so often! I must mention here I am nothing if not determined, and trust me, I was determined that, come what may, the kitchen would be installed. Once at the house I saw the problem and realised that he was, unfortunately, not exaggerating the situation. A power tool was required but .. where, OH where, to get one? I called Americo and he started searching out our options, then I had an epiphany. I walked back into the house, looked at our two handymen and advised “just give me 15 minutes.. I am going to go find a power chisel”.

Down the street I walked and noticed all kinds of busy and industrious work going on. Well now, I believe I have found the answer to my problem. I mosey on over to one of the houses and ask, if by any chance they have what I am looking for. Sadly all that female anguish was completely wasted as the gentlemen could not understand a word of English. Undeterred I march over to the next house with building operations. Feeling slightly desperate I explain my predicament to the next crew, unfortunately they didn’t have what I needed either but very helpfully suggested that the electrician might.

They asked me in and, I will admit to a certain amount of apprehension about a lone woman in a strangers house with no means of escape, luckily The Man (god bless his socks) appeared at the top of the stairs and, with much distressed hand waving, I outlined once more that “My kitchen has been out of commission for a week. I have the men here to install it and there is a problem.. please, please do YOU have a power chisel that I could borrow for 30 minutes”.

My new found bestest, best friend not only lent us the chisel and accessories but drove me back to the house and dropped it off. You should have seen the faces as I walked in explaining that Gary had very kindly brought us the required equipment and therefore we now had no reason not to have my kitchen fitted! Americo was also suitably impressed and so, a happy ending was had!

I am sure you will be pleased to know that my postings on our broken house will shortly be at an end … with the next instalments on the house geared towards finding new, hopefully less crazy tenants.

Until then – a happy, sunny weekend!

The Trauma!

2010-04-20T10:15:00.001+01:00

I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but every Thursday night Americo heads out to play football. Come rain or shine (and occasionally snow), in sickness or in health – Thursdays are religiously reserved for football.

Last week Americo stumbled through the door with a pronounced limp complaining loudly about the tackle he received. As far as I can tell two bruisers rumbled my dearest husband and, in the process, sandwiched his thigh between their two knees. Ever the sympathetic type my comment was along the lines of … ‘thought football was a no contact sport?’. (Aside from all the kissing and arse grabbing that is!). Nevertheless, we went to bed without too much drama and, in fact, a little bit of comedy as I watched Americo haul himself up the stairs moaning about the pain he was going to be in the next day. And they say exercise is good for you?

At about 4:45 in the morning I woke to Americo heaving and sighing and rolling about. Being the morning person that I most certainly am not, I ignored him as best I could until he requested I find some painkillers. Mumbling all kinds of nasty things about him over doing it blah, blah, blah, I made my way downstairs to grab the meds from my bag. With eyes firmly closed I clambered back to our room passed the pills to Americo and gratefully sank into bed. A few minutes later Americo was still fidgeting about when I suggested we turn off the light….

… from here my memories get a bit fuzzy, he rolled over and lay on his back - then he just went stiff as a board and started snorting and shaking. I thought he was choking on one of the pills. Logically I knew that he had taken the pills a few minutes before so that couldn’t be it, but equally, logic could not explain to me what the hell was going on. All I know is that in that moment I was terrified. Terrified that something might happen, terrified that I couldn’t help.. just hopelessly terrified for this beautiful man who I love beyond words.

I grabbed Americo and hauled him onto my lap, trying to manoeuvre him into a position where I could try and get him breathing regularly again, calling to him and telling him to relax. After a few seconds (which seemed like eternity) he relaxed in my arms and, although confused, was compis mentis enough to confirm emergency services would be required.

It is funny the things you remember, I remember saying “Do we need to call 911” and then correcting myself and saying “Not 911… 999. 911 won’t be any help!”. Americo had another two episodes after the first and I cannot tell you how petrified I was that he would stop breathing and not come back to me. Here was my big, wonderful, husband taken over by something that I could not see or control.

The emergency services were fantastic. They answered almost immediately, the lady stayed on the phone with me until the paramedics arrived and they (the paramedics) were with us within 15 minutes. Thank you.

I am happy to say that since the anomaly Americo has been fine, of course I have been hovering over him like a hen but so far so good.

At A&E they did a CT Scan and ECG, both of which came out clear. We have since been to the Neurologist who is referring Americo for an MIR and EEG(??). He thinks (and I really hope) that the episode was some type of extreme faint triggered by the pain Americo was experiencing. However they are not leaving any stone unturned before giving a full diagnosis.

A reminder to all of us who take our health and happiness for granted. Our time together is finite - be gentle with your partner, don't pass up that quick kiss or last touch!

THAT DAMN LEAK..

2010-03-22T10:57:00.001Z

A few weeks ago I mentioned the leak at our tenanted property and all the chaos that has ensued. Sadly the saga continues with either Americo or myself at the house every week with the drying company checking on progress.

The problem is monumental and seemingly never ending. With the continual bad news ranging from “it is taking MUCH longer to dry than initially anticipated” to “hhhhmmm ‘aving looked at the damage it seems we will ‘ave to replace all t’a flooring”. To our latest dilemma .. “I think you need to get a surveyor to look over the problem”. The hits are now so consistent I have mastered my banal smile and “thank you SO much for coming!”

Our tenants have, admittedly, been brilliant about this inconvenience for which I am exceedingly grateful. However this blog is not about any one else but.. ME and, occasionally, Americo! So we shall continue, without further procrastination, into today’s blog.

As I revealed a few posts back our tenants are not so convivially married. Since the leak I have had more contact with them (.. well the wife) than any other landlord known to mankind… and for all the wrong reasons! I seem to have become counsellor and confident to her.

How I managed to fall into this role is beyond me and, due to the overall bizarreness of our relationship, somewhat odd! Regardless, for the last 6 weeks she has called or texted sometimes every day, maybe once a day but certainly every other day. I, in turn, have struggled with my natural compassion whilst trying to keep our relationship on a friendly, but business footing.

Needless to say I seem to have failed! I am now fully acquainted with the inner workings of her mind. I familiar with her relationship history - current and past, education, family … basically I am, as they say, in the ‘Know’.

However as ‘in the know’ as I am, I was completely sidelined when she called up last week with the below request.

Wife:- “Hi – blah blah whole lot of mundane how are you yadda yadda.”
Me:- “Response to the mundane – yes fine, hope to have the machines out the house.. sorry for the inconvenience etc.”
Wife:- “I am now moving out on the 27th, my new flat has been confirmed.”
Me:- “Oh good, congratulations. You and have made a plan re rental of our property….(see how professional I was?)”
Wife:- “Anyway, I just wanted to check how big your car is?”
Me:- “mmm why?”
Wife:- “Well to make sure it will fit all my stuff when you help me move out next weekend.”
ME…………………?*
* picture a fish out of water, mouth opening and closing A LOT whilst trying to make sound come out!

And this, good people, is my life! I am not sure if I invite all the crazy in or if it just seeks me out, but find me it does.

ABOUT THAT DISCUSSION....

2010-02-25T16:23:00.001Z

The other day I thought it would be quite fun to have a review of my Blog and, I am sad to report, there has been a definite slide in postings! I would love to suggest that, due to all the fabulousness of life, I have neglected my favourite hobby (how I wish this were the case). Instead, I fear that my recent restlessness is to blame, I realise that change is coming – but really, it is just not FAST enough!

As I am sure you can imagine there are so many debates and conversations on the pros and cons of this and that, that you eventually begin to wonder … what did we decide on in the end?? Before I proceed I should bring you up to date on the main topics;

Australia:- We are progressing with our application so the major point on this subject is, how long before we get a yes or a no? It could be anywhere from 6 months to 3 years and, of course, there is the change in regulations .. complication!

MBA:- Americo wants to do his MBA and so has to decide on a university. Discussion Points:- Which Uni? Should it be correspondence or part-time? Where will we be? The questions on this are endless, but I think you get the general idea.

Ex-Pat Work:- Basically this is an unwelcome complication to the ‘game plan’! I am desperate to leave the UK, having now reached the proverbial “end of the line”. Logic says what is one more year.. or two? However, the illogical side, is clamouring to be heard and says – NOW, immediately, pronto, with great haste…. Lets get packing.

The other night Americo and I were discussing the merits of doing his MBA course by correspondence versus part time. I was quite charmed with the idea of correspondence, my mind skipping excitedly ahead, already anticipating our departure from these muddy shores! The next day I helpfully hit the Internet seeking out expatriate job opportunities and e-mailing them to my dearest. After a couple of days, feeling somewhat disappointed by his lack of enthusiasm, I broached the subject over dinner.

He looks at me, quite perplexedly saying… “Why are you e-mailing me all these jobs anyway? We agreed that I would do my MBA.”

I gaze back, equally confused, saying “Yeeees, by correspondence.”

By the end of our debate what we realised (and I have a particular talent for this) is that I had basically advanced our conversation much further. To my mind we had already agreed that expat was the way forward and I, accordingly, had proceeded with this plan, in the happy knowledge that Americo would know exactly what was going on.

Americo, on the other hand, was feeling slightly confused .. wondering why I keep changing the goal posts. Only, in my mind, the goal posts are exactly where they were supposed to be!

As in the story of the World War One message, which started life as "Send reinforcements, we are going to advance". It was then passed, verbally, from one runner to another and, upon reaching its destination, came out as "Send three and fourpence, we are going to a dance" .. a clear sign of ex-communication ……!

STOP THE WORLD

2010-02-18T17:10:00.001Z

They say things happen in threes, my first disappointment occurred the other week when, purely due to my own stupidity, I was not called back for a second interview. Oh woe is the world of instant communication, one little slip of the curser and hey presto I attached the wrong resume complete with a word missing… Sadly there is no excuse aside from paying more attention to work rather than finding work. Hey ho, the search continues.

Our second frustration is that Australian Immigration is doing a complete revamp of their points system, tightening up their borders and attempting to dissuade any waifs and strays from applying (unless highly educated!). This puts quite an obvious spanner in our plans as we do not yet know what the changes will be and, potentially, we may not have enough points to complete our application. However, we live in hope and are therefore ploughing ahead with gathering the information they require in the hopes that we might get our papers through before the changes. To that end Americo is writing his English test this weekend – a highlight in his life, I can assure you! He is feeling very hard done by that due to his Portuguese passport he clearly does not fully comprehend the lingo! Personally I am very smug with my British passport … no test required as CLEARLY, I speak the Queens English.

Now for the icing on this cake of woe..

The other day we popped over to our tenanted property as the washing machine was leaking, whilst there the tenants mentioned that the floor was lifting between the kitchen and the dining room. About two weeks later, having finalised suitable dates for the handy man to go forth and repair, we got a call……

The handyman explained that the problem with our floor is that there appears to be a leak, somewhere, which we will need to have seen to. Happily he carried on with his repair job regardless, only calling us after completing the work; I would liken his efforts to putting a band-aid on a severed leg – but I digress. We get the call and both realised that leaks, under the floor, are never likely to be good news. Although everyone else seemed quite casual about the prospect of the house floating off into the world!

Unable to get hold of the tenants we dashed over to see if they might be there, thankfully they were and that is where the good news begins and ends.

They pointed us in the direction of the leak, from a metre away I could hear it gushing out of the pipe, unseen and creating all kinds of havoc. We immediately called our insurers, spending the rest of the weekend in dialog and between one house and the other. Arranging a hotel for the tenants as water had to be switched off at the mains. Needless to say it was all incredibly stressful and highly dull to write about. The end result is this…

.. Two thirds of the floor needs to be replaced, the joists are soaked, dehumidifiers need to be brought in - all in all I am considering alcoholism as an escape route from the chaos!

You would think it ends there, but no.. the renters are having marital problems and it seems I have been relegated to the post of agony aunt. I am not quite sure how this situation came about as, quite frankly, I have some fairly major issues of my own. However, she is kindly keeping me updated with regular text messages highlighting the ruin of their relationship.

No, no, life really could not get much better than this!

In the News today..

2010-01-29T09:32:00.001Z

Occasionally I find some little gem in the news that has me giggling on my way to work. Today’s was about Tesco implementing a dress code as shoppers in Cardiff have been tumbling out of bed, throwing on their slippers and heading off to do the grocery shopping. Brilliant!

I know this comes across as incredibly snobby.. but, I’m okay with that.

What has happened to personal pride? Surely having made the effort to leave the house it’s not that much of an ask to take a shower and get dressed. I would be mortified if I were caught slobbing about my local grocery store in dodgy old slippers, hair yanked back. Actually, it is not so much the pyjamas, I think, for me, it is more what this represents, the slovenly action of being too lazy to make an effort. That this is a regular way of life.

So, have a read and let me know your thoughts.

READ ME

THE BATTLEAXE...

2010-01-28T17:40:00.000Z

Our dear friend Trevor moved off to the bright lights of North Sheen about a year ago. He and some friend rented this beautiful house, in a quiet neighbourhood..

Not long after they had moved in Americo and I went to visit, London streets are notoriously awful for parking so we were thrilled when we noticed a parking space virtually outside their front door. Yay! We zipped in and dashed into the house.. not before noticing this little old biddy staring murderously at us. Oh well. We mentioned the crazy to Trev who explained that she is very territorial about anyone parking in front of her house… Even though she has no car… and potentially visitors!

Anyway, this Sunday we thought we would pop in and see Trevor – it was reasonably early in the evening and, surprisingly, there was loads of parking. As we weren’t sure he was home Americo idled the car whilst I jumped out the car to bang on the door. Unfortunately my knocks went unanswered, along with calling through the letterbox. Anyhow, I turned to go back to the car when the Battleaxe (as she will now be referred to) came charging out the house.

“Move your car, Move your car.”

Jump back lady, clearly not staying long as the engine is still on (ready for our fast get away from the madness!). I got back in the car and Americo, having witnessed this bizarre behaviour asked what was going on. I explained that she didn’t like where we were parked, even though, only the nose of the car could have been venturing anywhere near her sight.

There she stood, the crazy old coot, in her blue dressing gown glaring at us through her living room window.

We thought we would give Trev one last call before heading for home (tenacious aren’t we?). He hadn’t heard my knocking as he was somewhat preoccupied, hurling his guts out in the toilet. What can I say, we have perfect timing. But don’t go feeling too sorry for Trevie, it was all self induced!

So The Battleaxe watched us get out the car and, not wanting to loose her opportunity she pounced as we reached the door. Shouting in a heavily accented voice to “move the car – move the car!”.

Mmmmmm, I rushed the house, Americo pretended oblivion and Trevor was too dazed to take anything in!

Seriously! Has no one ever heard a teaspoon of sugar does a lot more that a bottle of vinigar?

SUNDAY, The new Saturday?

2010-01-27T17:34:00.000Z

Sunday’s seem to have become our new Saturday but sadly Monday is still… MONDAY! This has been quite an emotional week for me, I had an early morning meeting about some things on Tuesday – sounds mysterious, doesn’t it? When I know the overall outcome I promise to share, but until then I don’t want to jinx it.

Saturday we went to Sara & Colin’s for his birthday we had a lovely evening but I somehow ended up as designated driver. I find driving in the UK an incredibly traumatic experience. My palms get sweaty, my heart races and the thought of over an hours drive home is enough to give me palpitations. Americo thinks I am absolutely ridiculous, which in turn leads to more stress! Anyway, homeward we drove, me shaking like a jelly whilst Americo quietly criticised. He will say he doesn’t but I KNOW HE DOES!

Weekends, for us, are no longer time spent to lounge about accumulating a big arse. Oh no! Things need to be done and, with our hopes for Australia, Saturday & Sunday are our only times. Saturday was spent doing all the mundane chores that I knew we would have no inclination towards on Sunday (washing, cleaning .. ugh) whilst Americo industriously updated his CV etc. Then it was time to party.

Arrived home just after 3am, both having survived the hair raising journey. To be honest, I think I was the only one truly terrified!

Sunday dawned (well we woke up at 11), grey and slightly less miserable than last weekend but not much of an improvement. Off we went to Storme & Ian’s, who had very kindly agreed to sign our Wills, just so there is no confusion about what to do with all our debt. Even more kindly, they invited us to an early dinner - meatballs and treats, we were completely spoilt.

We popped round to Trevor’s but I feel the experience deserves a whole post with a little more dedication than I can give it now.. back tomorrow!

HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?

2010-01-20T17:16:00.002Z

Pearl, my great friend is about to be off on her travels to places .. exotic. I must admit to being somewhat jealous as she follows the sun around the world; however I am hopeful that we will be following shortly. Anyway, as she is packing up and shipping out I am the grateful recipient of all her pot plants. Early on Saturday morning Americo and I dragged ourselves out of bed to collect our hire van and then onwards to Pearl’s. The morning dawned, grey and cold, with our TomTom refusing to registering the morning light as daytime, preferring to stay on evening colours!

We arrived, on time.. a concept Pearl is unfamiliar with and consequently she was still abed! I am sure she was only too thrilled to find Americo & I on her doorstep. Well.. I believe the actual image that greeted her was me squealing and running for cover as Americo stood like king of the hill, pelting me with snowballs. The minute she unlocked the door, without a hello or by your leave, I stormed the house! Surprisingly we did actually manage to load the plants into our van albeit with the odd snowball flying wildly. I have to mention here that in snowball fights my aim, generally rubbish, is even more impaired when under pressure. I was thrilled therefore when I managed to wallop Americo with a snowball that glanced off the van and down his shirt. JUSTICE!

It was a very slow drive home, by which stage the weather had deteriorated to a constant icy drizzle. The two of us, looking very woe begotten, unloaded the van of what seemed like millions of plants then surveyed our garden and wondered… what the hell do we do now?? I suggested that they looked perfect where they stood, kind of arty. Americo (as always!) had other ideas, no time like the present, so we set about recreating our patch of yard.

I am happy to announce it looks lovely the hours of toil paid off, but by the end of it we were drenched, muddy, cold and numb. When all was done we both stripped off at the door and ran, naked, upstairs into a steaming hot bath, curious neighbours be damned!

WELCOME.. 2010

2010-01-15T12:59:00.001Z

A Happy New Year to one and all! 2010 has blown in on rather a chilly wind with snow engulfing much of the UK. My New Year’s resolutions remain much the same, enjoy life to the fullest, carry on as I have every year, NOT give up smoking … unless absolutely necessary. This year though there is a variant from my usual theme; 2010 is our year of change, I am expecting great things from the next twelve months.

As I am sure I made you ALL aware Americo and I went to Australia for Christmas. Put simply, it was bliss! We had the most wonderful time with many special thank you’s to all our friends; the holiday would not have been the same without you! There are so many highlights from our trip that I barely know where to begin.

Our first destination was Airlie Beach, the gateway to the Whitsundays and the Great Barrier Reef (well the start thereof...). After so much travelling I have to admit our first day was a wipe out, mostly spent doing … nothing! Unfortunately our vacationing times coincided perfectly with the arrival of stinger season. This is basically when nature’s most venomous jelly fish go on tour, cruising the seas of Northern Australia and turning all potential swimmers turn into extra’s from the Teletubbies. Let me explain… To avoid getting zapped by the poisonous tentacles of the jellies you wear a stinger suit (hahaha – see what I mean!), this covers you from head to foot in thin lycra (very unforgiving) and turns a beach full of sun worshipers into a horrific version of the children’s TV show.

Anyway, we went to the Great Barrier Reef, snorkelled and saw many fishies, the biggest of which was George the Grouper weighing in at HUGE (9 feet long and 300kg). For your benefit I have scoured the net and found some photo graphic proof … although they truly do not do him justice. He was described to us as the size of a cow with no legs and though I scoffed that was actually pretty apt.

Our next tour was a trip round the Whitsunday islands finishing off at the beautiful Whitehaven beach. This has now become Americo’s all time favourite beach, in the world, with crystal clear waters and silicon sand. I will have to dredge up a photo of my own Teletubbie waddling down the beach in his flippers!

Now we come to the Kayaking…. I can see many of you shaking your heads in wonder that I would EVER agree to do something so physically strenuous. All I can say is .. it had good PR. To be honest the kayaking was my idea, I had the rather idealistic image of Americo and I paddling about the ocean with not a care in the world. Anyhow after some research a full day’s kayaking would equate to 14 kilometres of hard work, I looked at my dearest husband and suggested that, possibly, the half day would be a more sensible option. This is where the PR comes in.. Both Max and Americo sat there smirking and selling the benefits of a full days excursion with lines like “don’t worry Zanna, it is not like you will actually DO any rowing”.

HA!

My ideals of a romantic time for two were shattered, Americo turned into drill sergeant extraordinaire and thus I spent the day rowing like a demon.

They suggested biking the next day… needless to say I gracefully bowed out and went for a massage!

GOODBYES

2009-11-20T16:23:00.003Z

We are once again alone in the house as my friend has moved back to her home. I was sure that she would be marked by her experiences of living with us and had a little chuckle when she wrote the other day to confirm my suspicions. To give a bit of back ground..

Americo and I have lived in our home for just over a year and, in that time, we have basically … moved in. I have only recently put photo’s in picture frames, being somewhat decorationally challenged, amongst other things!

For the first year we had not one curtain - until my mother came to the rescue providing cover for all our downstairs window requirements. The rooms on the second floor however are still open to the neighbours, should they have an interest to peek. It is in one of these rooms that my friend has been living for the last few months.

In case you haven’t already guessed a curtainless room does not a sanctuary provide! There is no chance of wandering about naked, well .. not unless you are VERY still, in the crouch position, behind the bed, in one corner. Basically, much more effort than reward! So she devised a routine whereby she would take all her clothes to the bathroom, shower and then get changed in the corridor (spare bathroom is V.small) – safe from any neighbourly curiosity.

Anyhow, she has now moved back to her home and e-mailed me the other day saying..

“Had my shower this morning, grabbed my clothes and headed into the hallway to get dressed……. Then realised……. I HAVE CURTAINS!”

Hehehe

I am waiting to hear what other lasting effects living with us will have had!

THE CRAZY..

2009-11-05T11:07:00.003Z

What do you do when you feel the blue haze of panic rising up to meet you with arms stretched wide, ready to drag you into the void? Hmm, what do you do, indeed!

Over the last few weeks things in Zim have been progressively unravelling – the Unity Government is not looking quite as united as it could be, farm invasions have recommenced and bodies are turning up.. having perished from slightly more than natural causes…. With all this resumed activity I have to admit to being somewhat anxious about my parents well being. Which brings us to why I was teetering on the edge of the void..

I haven’t spoken to my folks for a few weeks (no major panic there as my sister chatted to them last week) but I thought I would check in on Monday.. Tuesday.. Wednesday – by now I was desperately dialling.. nothing, nothing, nothing. No ringing, no dial tone just a disembowelled voice advising that the ‘line is unavailable at the moment’. At this stage I am almost obsessively calling; mom, dad, dad, mom - over and over, just on the off chance that I might get through, frustratingly, still nothing.

I could feel my grip on reason slipping and panic blooming in its place, time to control The Crazy! Unfortunately once the door to Crazy has been opened it is considerably harder to shut. It feels as though you have been torn in two, with your neurotic self throwing up awful questions, whilst your saner, lucid self sits back unsure how best to proceed.

So Mom & Dad, feel free to call your youngest, most recently married daughter - as she is only just in control of The Crazy!! – love you xx.

2009-11-02T16:16:00.000Z

Where has 2009 gone? It feels like just yesterday that I started up my little bloggy and all of a sudden a year has flown by, with no consideration for my sanity.

So, have we all achieved what we set out to achieve when 2009 began? I can truthfully say YES I HAVE! I have continued to smoke, drink and enjoy life to the full – which you will find were all my initial New Years resolutions. The only thing I have tripped up on is the exercise… I did some. Horror.

Anyway, I am sure you are all thinking I am mad, complaining about the impending doom of 2009 when we are still in November but, seriously, we only have 5 weeks until we are off to Australia. YAY!! So I have to cram all my Christmassy things into that time – buy presents to be sent home, organise final dinners, last minute holiday shopping blah, blah, blah.

I have just sent the e-mail invitation to our annual Christmas party, with our numbers swelling this has had to be moved from a home event to a pub. I can just see my dearest of husbands’ eyeballs bulging at the suggestion of a small gathering of over 25 people in our house! Nope, much more sensible to have a ding ding dee (party) at the bar – less chance of running out of booze!

AN HONEST JOB DESCRIPTION?

2009-10-21T16:38:00.002+01:00

We are looking for a new professional at our office and I briefly assisted with wording the Job Description that is about to be published. Thing is, JD’s, like CV’s are an interesting blend of fact and fiction! The facts are obvious, you will be required to do X, Y and Z. The possible fiction is in the description….

Our charming, charismatic CEO is looking for XXXX to join our flourishing team. The role will be challenging with a diverse work load. Yadda, Yadda – I am sure you’ve all seen this before. Once you read a few JD’s you begin to sift through the make believe, for instance, the minute a person’s characteristics are over exaggerated you immediately apply the “opposite theory” – charming and charismatic begins to resemble awful taskmaster with an axe to grind.

Now it is not that every person with a promising character reference will turn out to be a tyrant, it is just more likely! After all.. you have been for the interviews.

Truth be told I am possibly a little jaded as my ‘charming and charismatic’ director is currently driving me up the pole! The worst part is – he is not actually doing anything particularly note worthy (today) to achieve this.

When I first got my job here (almost 5 years ago) I was over awed. My first permanent position. I accepted the role in a cold sweat with heart pounding, not from excitement you understand but fear! I was terrified of taking on a permanent position, for years I had flitted from one job to another leaving when I got bored or people irritated me. Now – well, now I had committed myself to being patient, loyal, a proper member of a team….permanent. Trust me, the only time I wanted to have any of these feelings was the day I got married. Going permanent was a bit too much like a life commitment for me.

However, Americo and I were looking to buy our first house and I suppose there really does come a time when you have to grow up.

So I started at the XXXX, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I actually had to work! No more endlessly surfing the internet, chatting on the phone and generally chilling out. Nope – I had (wait for it) – RESPONSIBILITIES! Ugh.

Two weeks in I was ready to walk out, Mr B got right up my nose, however Americo talked me round and persuaded me to stick it out for at least 3 months. Eventually Mr B and I fell into a rapport; surprisingly we actually worked quite well. He attempted to be a pain in the ar*e and I steadfastly refused to deal with any of that nonsense … safe in the knowledge that whenever I got bored of playing work, I could walk out!

Anyway, after being here for some considerable time I have noticed certain traits. There are few people in our office who appreciate Mr B. he tends to operate in self destruct mode. Colleagues see him coming and shrink into the shadows (metephorically speaking). Which leads us back to the Job Description where a colleague and I were chuckling about the things you would not put in..

We guarantee that this role will be a challenge, the biggest of which will be to control the desperate urge to fling yourself out a window. Drugs are a necessity, either recreational or prescriptive - you WILL need a crutch. We promise to corrode all self confidence. You will begin to see this torment as a normal cycle of life, like a beaten dog you will spend your days cowering in the corner waiting for the next kick to come. At night you will curl in to a ball gently rocking yourself to sleep and wondering ... what you did to deserve this?

TUESDAY RAMBLINGS

2009-10-20T15:16:00.000+01:00

Time seems to be flying by at the moment with Christmas steadily creeping up and only 6 weeks until we fly off to Australia. Aaaah the preparations! I have told you about my disastrous bikini shopping experience, the bikini was perfect, I should have looked fabulous however (and I am firmly sticking with this) the lighting was very unflattering. So I have been attempting to get myself a six pack by doing exercises. Painful! I just do not get fitness nuts – surely there are more entertaining things out there??? Mind you I am rather lacking in dedication; I can just imagine Americo vigorously nodding his head at this, whilst babbling on about “NO PAIN NO GAIN!” .. whatever!

Unfortunately the proof is, literally, in the pudding and I am sad to say there shall be no more pudding for me! A dire turn of events I am sure you will agree.

The neighbours are beginning to think I have lost the plot as they see me outside (in the bitter cold) with my skipping rope - attempting to work up a sweat. If I am honest I can only muster about 10 minutes of enthusiasm before I begin to wonder .. when was this EVER fun? Kids love skipping, I loved skipping, what on earth changed?

So to make the world resemble a better place I have booked myself a haircut. New style, new colour – new me!

WHAT A DAY

2009-10-08T12:08:00.003+01:00

I have been struggling to get out of bed the last few days, when the alarm goes off the room is still murky with a slight nip in the air, whilst my bed is toasty warm with Americo in it.

Yesterday my alarm buzzed into action and I pressed snooze, once, twice… after that I must have lost consciousness. When I resurfaced, I woke with a feeling of contentment, safe and happy and - WHAT - five minutes before I had to leave the house!

I leapt out of bed, raced to the bathroom, frantically brushing my teeth whilst scouring the cupboard for something to wear. Obviously not something in need of an iron.

Americo meanwhile briefly raised his head to see what all the fuss was about, before pulling the duvet more securely under his chin and mumbling “mm, late too”. Clearly not!

I (just) managed to get my self dressed, dashing out the house in record time, with a vague resemblance to Cruella DeVille - minus the fur.

LATE! But not late enough not to grab a mocha chilla (my new addiction) from the coffee shop.

By now I was seriously late; rushing to the office whilst attempting to juggle my mocha chilla, umbrella and handbag – when my phone rang. It was an employment friend of mine who I wanted to ask a favour of, so I couldn’t exactly rush things.

Eventually I made it into the office only to see that everyone was in the boardroom. Bollocks! Forgot all about the 9 o’clock meeting. Who in their right mind books a meeting for 9am?? Clearly ridiculous morning people! Or the Australian…..

After all the excitement of the morning my day settled into an impression of normality. I say impression as things are not really normal – for instance, I don’t usually have my resume floating about the ether in the hopes of snagging some fabulous job … elsewhere. Anyhow, we do what we need to do, hmm?

By the time 5.30pm rolled by the day had disintegrated, weather wise, with pouring rain and huge puddles. St Pauls, the tube station, was flooded with people, everyone being a little more cautious as umbrellas dripped, creating a slick mess on the floor.

To say I was thankful to be going home would be an understatement. I was thrilled to be almost home; moments from the door I was already creating a list of priorities - out of the rain, out of sopping trousers, into nice hot bath ……….. cigarette.

Propping my umbrella up against the wall I scratched about in my bag for the keys. Hmm? More scrabbling – nothing.

In desperation I emptied the bag onto the front step then sat down next to the upended contents, rolled a cigarette and thought “sod it; I’ve left my keys in the house!”

CHANGES

2009-10-06T17:23:00.001+01:00

I cannot tell you how many times I have sat down to write this blog before something interrupts! No more I say… there will be a post today!

The thing is there are just so many changes in the air… sounds intriguing – doesn’t it?

This week has brought with it the start of Autumn – after an unseasonably pleasant two weeks it has all come as a bit of a shock to the system. The mornings are grey and dreary with a slight bite in the air and the trees are beginning to loose their summer foliage. In fact it seems to me that autumn is the perfect time of year to make decisions as the land is shrouded in change.

My first change is that I am looking for a new job. I am sure you have all noticed that recently I have been feeling a little disgruntled with my work life. Admittedly most of it is minor irritations that everyone has, but there has been a rather off putting undertone running about the office. So, I have updated my C.V. and sent it out into the big bad world of employment.

Today I called my first agency, this is the part I hate! Employment agents are like the guard at the gate, you don’t have a snowball’s chance in … if the person who you speak to doesn’t like you. I believe more practice is required as I feel incredibly guilty that I am putting a toe in the market.

I will have to keep you updated on my progress with this – that is if I don’t get bored of looking before I find something. Honestly – it is a possibility!

My other change is that I am (seriously) starting to do exercise. I know that I am usually all talk and no action in this department however bikini buying shed a WHOLE new light on things! So my mantra for the next few weeks it – I must be good, I must be good.

Tonight is my second session of home gyming – I am looking forward to it*.

* if you believe that, you really will believe anything.

PHEW!

2009-09-30T17:22:00.001+01:00

At last I am back to blogging action. But, my friends – what a week or so it has been! As I mentioned last time I recently took over the creation of our company quarterly Newsletter.

The process works that I get very technical, financial articles in. I then read them and create, from the initial submission, something that is (hopefully!) understandable as well as enjoyable to the non financial reading public. Once these have been reviewed and edited - many, many times, I then look at the graphics i.e. company colours/pictures. It is all quite mentally taxing but incredibly satisfying.

Now to catch you up. We have a friend living with us at the moment, for how long I am unsure. Anyway, on the weekend of our ‘proper’ anniversary (the church day) off she flew to South Africa. Americo and I were looking forward to having the weekend to ourselves and celebrating our first year of marital bliss. Only it was not to be! A less devoted couple you could not have hoped to find. By the Saturday afternoon we were looking forward to Monday with eager anticipation! And what, I hear you ask was this all about…….. NOTHING! Yip, absolutely nothing. We were perfectly horrendous to each other for over 24 hours about embarrassingly, ridiculous subjects.

Thankfully peace was reinstalled albeit rather late on Sunday.

This brings us up to last week which went by in a blur of Newsletter articles, pictures and various work pressures.

Friday.. really it is probably better left unsaid – two words Yager Bomb… and lots of them.

Saturday.. more of the same!

Sunday passed in a haze of regrets regarding alcohol consumption and the aching head of retribution!

So, now that you are all up to speed regular posts shall resume, hopefully tomorrow.

BACK NEXT WEEK

2009-09-16T16:52:00.002+01:00

I am sorry for my silence - it is quarterly newsletter time again and I have to admit that any creative energy I may have is currently focused elsewhere!

To catch you all up the meeting I threatened last week with MR.B regarding his father did take place with the expected outcome. Going forward Mr.B (snr) will take care of all his own travel arrangements.

Briefly, this last weekend I was a regular Betty Homemaker.. in the kitchen creating all kinds of delicacies. Our house once again resembled a hostle with bodies scattered all over the place on Sunday morning, almost out numbering the ACTUAL inhabitants!

See you when my mind returns..

ONE WHOLE YEAR

2009-09-10T17:32:00.003+01:00

Can you believe that today is our 1 year anniversary? No doubt this has been the catalyst of my recent sappiness towards Americo!

Unfortunately the focus of my love and good wishes is not with me today having had to head off for a business training course for two days. However he did call (BRIGHT AND EARLY) to say happy anniversary. Luckily for him we have two wedding anniversaries, 1 for the registry office wedding and 1 for the big white wedding we had, which is due next weekend. In reality this is the one we will ‘properly’ celebrate.

Actually, I mustn’t forget to remind Americo of what a lucky chap he is.. I married him twice!

Anyway, my recent mood of love and good will to all mankind has been blown to smithereens today. I was feeling all loved up after my early morning call but then………………… People happened. I had a slight altercation with my boss regarding his father.

Admittedly I am an Executive Assistant, with a difference. I have the glorified title of Business Manager but in reality I am more of a resistant assistant. I don’t really ‘do’ personal things and usually if these are requested they are more in the asking of a favour than instruction. Just the way I like it, I work for a pay cheque - my life is not my job and my job is most certainly not my life. Anyway, my boss and I have a certain understanding, I don’t do tea, coffee, dry cleaning or any of the other trivial things people cannot be bothered to do for themselves – I was hired for a job. I do, on occasion however assist with booking holidays, more as a sympathy gig than anything else, as he is technologically challenged.

Now, as I have done a fair amount of travelling I am quite adept at arranging flights, looking for the best deals and, in times of desperation, have a travel agent I am on friendly terms with. My boss will only use these particular skills when the details prove too complex i.e. flights for 10, hotels in foreign countries internal and connecting carriers etc.

His father however seems to believe that I am here, purely, to attend to his personal travel requirements. Calling up and expecting me to drop everything (my actual PAYING job) to cater to his needs….

A few months ago, I freely admit, I did a fairly major F.up. I was rushed, paperwork had to be collected and dropped off on timescales and who should call. You guessed it. My mind was in a million places and I accidentally booked his flight out of one London airport, returning into another. None of us realised the mistake .. until he went to catch the returning flight. To say I was popular would be an understatement, I apologised – profusely. In truth I seldom make errors of this kind, unfortunately though, they do happen.

Now logic would dictate that due to his lack of faith he would find an alternative person? So far this has not proved to be the case, if anything these calls to arrange hotels, flights blah, blah, blah have been more frequent. Often with me spending HOURS searching hotels, sending him quotes booking everything, only to then have him decide not to go ahead. I probably wouldn’t mind but I just don’t deal very well with certain things, one of them was a snide comment suggesting that “had I worked for him I would have been fired”. All very good and well, how about following up that statement by harassing someone else??

So today, amazingly he had booked his own flight into London, but then decided that he wanted to catch the earlier connection out. Ordinarily not a problem, sadly though when you purchase cheap tickets and then reschedule they are seldom as cost efficient as initially anticipated. I call, get the quote and call back advising of the, now exorbitant, price. All this via My Lord & Master. (I think we should start referring to him as something, else like MR.B, I am not really a lord & master kinda girl!!).

I then hear his father (MR.B snr?), mumbling some derogatory statement along the lines of “this isn’t going to be like that other flight she cocked up”. All civility flew out the window. I believe my words were..

“Indeed, if that is how your father feels please advise him to arrange his own flights.” To be honest that wasn’t all I said.. I am not known to be retiring with my opinions. In fact reading this sentence back it actually sounds quite friendly. To clear up. It was not, to get the right intonation add a heavy dose of sarcasm.

“oh, no, no – that isn’t what he meant at all.. it was just a joke.” Was my boss's reply

I think you shall find we will now all be laughing as tomorrow I intend to have a little discussion regarding this….

A MOMENT IN TIME..

2009-09-08T16:07:00.002+01:00

Life is filled with moments, snippets out of time that can take your breath away and fill your heart to capacity. I am not overly sentimental on my blog, I take it for granted that readers know my love for Americo is constant …. EVEN during those times when he is particularly exasperating! Nevertheless, this morning contained one of those silly but joyful moments that will have others scoffing at my ridiculousness…. And what was this moment, I hear you ask? Weeell, we, for the first time in AGES, left the house together and walked down the street to Americo’s car, hand in hand. A perfect start to the day!

See? I told you it was absurd.

This gooey initiation to my day has severely affected my vitriolic abilities and left me feeling generous of spirit with good wishes to all mankind. However, the day is young and I am sure, given enough time, some twit will cure me of this temporarily serendipitous moment!

I read in the newspaper today of a gentleman in Darwin, Australia who discovered a 10-Foot python in his toilet.. I must admit to having a little giggle when I read this…

“A 10-foot python wrested from the plumbing of a toilet was harmless but it still possesses a mouthful of very sharp teeth and this one had an attitude to match, so if you felt something bite you on the bottom while you were on the toilet it would give you a hell of a fright,” Mr Peberdy said.

FULL ARTICLE

Harmless or not.. I think we can all safely assume that if some critter was lurking in the toilet and bit a bottom “one hell of a fright” would be the least of our problems! Although it does conjure up quiet an hilarious image of someone bouncing off the toilet with a ten foot python attached to their rear…

Yip, it is all about simple things today!

WHAT IS THE HEIGHT OF LAZINESS??

2009-09-07T10:38:00.003+01:00

By hippieprincess74

This morning, as I was rushing about the house attempting to get myself out the door on time, I had a major dilemma, do I wear flip flops or trainers into the office. With a glance outside my verdict is quickly determined. Grey skies = trainers!

Having chosen my trainers whilst downstairs, I realise that I am not very well prepared for the realities of my decision - No Socks. I give the staircase a resentful glare, LATE, no time to be running up two flights of stairs to grab a pair of socks. (I know, there is always time but.. lazy!) I take a moment to regroup, is there any washing in the tumble dryer? Nope, because yours truly has been the embodiment of housewifely virtue and everything is neatly packed away a la Stepford Wives.

GRRRR – seriously, no good deed goes unpunished!

At this stage I am contemplating the thought of risking wet toes in flip flops versus rushing upstairs for that pair of socks. In desperation I give the room another cursory flicker, AH HA, do mine eyes deceive me? Lo and behold what is that upon the dining room table? Could it be.. yes I believe it is.. TWO socks! Eureka!

Upon closer inspection this is not really such a great find, one sock is Americo’s (size 10 men’s) and the other is mine (size 5 ladies). Without hesitation I yank my mismatched socks onto my feet, pull on my trainers and..

Decide to start rearranging my handbag. Yes it’s true, my mind is a special place early on a Monday morning!

However, did I stop at rearranging my handbag? NO, then I decided to organise lunch for my favourite of husbands. Okay, organise is a slight exaggeration, more like grab the items, soup, chocolate cake (both special treats from Storme!) two banana’s and an apple. Put them all in a bag, write a note saying something suitably sappy, look at the time and RUN for the door.

OUR WEEKEND OF MISADVENTURES..

2009-09-02T11:35:00.001+01:00

As I am sure you have probably guessed, this weekend … we played volleyball. What can I say, the minute the sun shines I feel it is my duty to head out to the park and utilise every last minute. And so started our weekend of misadventures…

Usually I decline to be on any side that has my most delightful of husbands on it. This is not because I am tempted to throw myself into his arms at every opportunity, nor for fear that we may distract each other. No. The reason I refuse to be on his team is simply because he is draconian, playing sports with Americo is akin to having a tyrant on your team. He bosses you about then attempts to explain the game, in simple terms. I end up feeling like a 5 year old, with coach detailing that the ball, flying at speed, requires for you to return it over the net. Really? I have always wondered about those finer details!

The problem is - everyone else knows what he’s like too! Therefore, because I love him so much and will eventually forgive his bad behaviour on court, I inevitably end up playing on his side. Americo has asked me to put in here that he is actually encouraging and uplifts moral. (hahahahahaha – what ever!)

Now, when Americo plays any ball sports he is like a fox terrier, charging for any and every ball, so much so that you eventually decide not to go for them, safe in the knowledge that back up is on its way.

Stupidly I forgot this golden rule. Picture the scene, ball coming directly at me, I leap up (looking remarkably sporty like!) to return it and win the point. Subconsciously I hear Americo pounding up behind me, but for some reason my brain does not register the danger until…. My jaw connects with his steel encased arm. OH the pain! It felt as though my jaw had been disconnected, in fact I initially wondered if it had!

Who would have thought that I, Zanna HTDS, would ever get to the stage of receiving a sporting injury? SO impressive! Others were less enthused by my war wound, suggesting that it is not a TRUE sporting injury. WHAT?? I was playing sports and got injured.. hence…? I am however happy to report that my jaw has now re-aligned itself and all is well that ends well (aside from the odd clicking when I chew!).

Unfortunately things were not so simple for Americo, who, after thumping me in the jaw with his reinforced steel arm, was bitten by some tiny, nondescript but vicious bug. The initial attack was so unexceptional that my hero did not even notice until much later in the evening when his foot resembled a balloon with toes. In true style we ignored his fat foot for the next day with expectations that the swelling would – well – just go! Come Monday morning (public holiday) unbelievably his foot was even bigger. Although we were all laughing about him having a kankle (calf/ankle) I did, in between giggles, manage to get him a doctor’s appointment.

The doctors recommended kankle treatment is a course of anti-inflammatory and antihistamine, which has left Americo feeling slightly wasted. Still he has laughed along with the rest of us about his current condition mostly, I think, because it is not actually painful! Otherwise he would have been ooohing and aaahing determined that the angels are calling his name. I promise you – there is none as sick as a male creature.

ALL WORK & NO PLAY...

2009-08-27T14:27:00.002+01:00

… Makes Americo a dull boy!

I am beginning to wonder if having a husband is all a figment of my imagination. I seem to recollect getting hitched and standing up in front of the priest. I definitely remember huge amounts of money leaving the account and a big, drunken celebration. But final confirmation has come in the form of documentation substantiating the fact, I am indeed married, and this elusive character goes by the name of …. Americo. The thing is, at the moment he is working such long hours I barely remember what he looks like, I can however report that his secretary is great and we are considering meeting for lunch!!

My Dearest is under so much pressure at the moment he has virtually moved into the office and I am beginning to feel a little like the concierge at a hotel, “Sir your dinner is on the table and fresh underwear in the top draw – no messages except PS. I LOVE YOU”. A good night’s sleep has become a thing of the past and the brief moments I have with my husband are the most precious minutes of my day.

Fear not though, we have held a family Board Meeting and I am lead to believe that the current situation should improve with (HOPEFULLY) immediate effect. All Board Members of HTDS LTD understanding their various roles and responsibilities!!! ;)

In other news I have come to realise that my current relationship with nicotine will be coming to an end. It is with a heavy heart that I admit to this sad loss of faith in a dear companion. Ours has been a long and, dare I say it, enjoyable liaison but, as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. So I have set myself a goal to become one of the many quitters …. when we decide to have children! I am viewing this decision in the column of ‘long term goals’. I will, of course, keep you posted on my progress – so far there is nothing to report.

I am sorry, I know that smoking is bad and truly I do not mean to trivialise it however, can a non smoker really understand the total enjoyment you get from having a puff? The sense of being, just a little bit naughty! For me it has become a kind of ritual, a moment in time that is my own. Bad, bad, bad.

Still, the first step to recovery is, I suppose, accepting the inevitable? Any helpful advice welcomed…

FAMILY..

2009-08-26T17:22:00.003+01:00

Firstly ladies and gentlemen, you will all be happy to know that my dearest father is feeling much better after his recent bout of malaria. I spoke to him earlier in the week and he was sounding quite chipper after having mom nurse him back to health.

My mother is a heroine at almost all things medical and has virtually become the district doctor – even though she is not one. She has handled a myriad of illnesses and accidents from malaria to chopped off fingers, third degree burns to rushing farm workers off to the hospital for births. Never mind her cool headedness when a child had her stomach blown open whilst crossing the live minefield separating Zimbabwe from Mozambique. Yes, my mom has the patience of a saint and a stomach of steel. I like to think that I take after her in many ways however when the gifts were being handed down clearly ‘Patience of a Saint’ was left off the list.

Truth be told I really do not deal very well with sick people. Americo swiftly realised this after catching a particularly severe case of ‘Man Flu’ only to find that his devoted and charming wife did not quite live up to expectations on the patience and sympathy front! The problem is twofold .. chiefly, Americo is a rubbish patient, being predominantly grizzly and grumpy as opposed to frail and ill. Secondly, I hate seeing him sick, ergo … he just shouldn’t be!

So in other news, I had a lovely lunch with my brother today who I have not seen for ages as he has shipped himself and family off to sunnier climes – lucky devil.

Last night was our final volleyball evening of the summer season, that is right folks .. summer is about to be officially over with the entire population of England going into hibernation. Thankfully we have our holiday in Australia to keep us going as the light slinks away and the temperature continues to drop. I have to put in here that Americo has been somewhat impressed with my recent spurt of commitment to a sport, I must admit that I have even surprised myself!

ET .. CALL HOME

2009-08-24T15:22:00.001+01:00

On Saturday night I dreamt my dad had Alzheimer’s and he could only remember the part of his life prior to my birth. I frantically begged him not to forget me for how could I live knowing that my dad had no knowledge of me? I woke up distressed with tears rolling down my cheeks and a desperate desire to call home.

I have mentioned before the problems with communication to Zimbabwe .. mostly that there is no communication with Zimbabwe. All day Sunday I tried to call home and was amazed that I was getting the ringing tone, first time on each call – unfortunately no one was answering. (This always gets me a bit edgy as law & order is not a top priority).

This morning I got into the office and there was an e-mail from my mom. Dad has malaria and has been unwell all weekend but is doing much better today.

Sometimes you just know to call home.

Thinking of you dad - xxx

TEA.. Anyone?

2009-08-19T14:12:00.002+01:00

Today I am having a slight rant, lets face it – it’s been a while! Our topic of the day is TEA… I realise this sounds like a fairly innocuous subject and ergo unable to cause much offence … there my friends you are wrong. The problem is - I do not DO tea. I do not drink it, I do not appreciate it and I detest having to make it. To say I am not a tea person is to trivialise my repugnance.

Unfortunately, on occasion, I have to lower my standards and put the kettle on. I must admit that there are times when I don’t mind (that much). For instance, if I am feeling particularly enchanted with my husband I may offer, or when we have guests for dinner. Then there are the other times… The office times…

I suppose I should back up a little and explain how this revulsion came about.

It all started one bright African morning when I was a little girl of about 5. Our family tradition was that the housekeeper would bring in the tea tray at 6 and the family would all pile into my parents bed for their ‘cuppa’ before we had to get ready for the day. I remember that for some reason I was alone with Mom and Dad - I think Tanya and Julian were at boarding school. Anyway, Mom poured the tea and, in my youthful excitement of the morning, I took a huge gulp. Oh the HORROR! Yuck, yuck, YUCK. The milk was sour and the tea was disgusting. The rest, as they say, is history - I have never drunk tea again and over time it has become at mild phobia.

Back to the office; my aversion to tea is so ubiquitous the mere mention of having this as part of my job description has seen me racing for the door. On occasion however I have been known to be charitable at work. When I meet clients, I manage to dredge up some empathy and produce a cup of tea. I do not however make tea for just anyone, either you are a paying Member of the Wealth Club or you are just another pleb who can get their own damn tea!

Last year due to a rift in the company partnership the business was downsized. It was decided that in order to ‘stream line’ the cash flow redundancies would be made, with one of the casualties being our receptionist. With our new ‘slim line’ staffing arrangements the idea is for everyone to all pull together in ensuring when a Member is due there is someone available for a meet and greet. Unfortunately some pull together more than others and, for the most part, mine is a fairly regular face in reception.

This morning I had barely sat down when the door bell rang, thankfully one of my colleagues jumped to attention and I made to prepare myself for the day ahead. About two seconds later one of the advisors (hmmmm) came and said to me;

“So.. what happens when there is someone in reception, do YOU just go and make tea?” (seriously??)

He should have known better especially since I do not make my dislike of mornings a secret. The first sign should have been it is 9 o’clock, followed swiftly by the realisation that there was no can of coke in sight. However he ignored all the signals and barged on…

With raised I brows I regarded him, eventually answering his request with as much civility as I could muster;

“Do I look like the tea lady?”

It was cold, it was brutal but is he likely to pose such a stupid question to me again?

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS...

2009-08-17T15:58:00.001+01:00

I have been inspired! Whilst perusing my way through cyberspace, I popped into one of my regular blog sites – not the marrying kind. Marty, the writer, focuses her blog on wedding ideas that are homemade and creative, obviously my wedding planning has long since been and gone, HOWEVER I came across this wonderful idea. [Don’t be surprised when you all get potted gumboots (wellies) for Christmas!] When I read Marty’s blog I imagine her home to be a hive of creativity, filled to the brim with innovative and bright designs.

This got me thinking (always a bad thing) and I realised that our home is not very homely. We have the most amazing wedding pictures, but nothing on the walls, we have lovely photo frames but they still have the original ‘Kodac Family’ in them. Our home, in essence, is transient; it is ready to be packed up and shipped out with minimal effort and fuss – the realisation of which has come as quite a shock.

Don’t get me wrong, I love our home it is just not the focus of my life. There always seem to be something more important that needs attention – friends, family, finances .. LIFE! Subconsciously, I think I have been avoiding creating a homely home here in the UK. It feels as though by hanging that picture I am making a commitment to permanence. I am accepting that we will never return to Zimbabwe.

I know – it is completely illogical and unreasonable! Luckily Americo never expects me to be either logical or reasonable, in fact I believe that life would be rather disappointing if I was..

Anyhow, now that we are discussing family .. Calm down parents – it is only a DISCUSSION! I am beginning to undergo a change of heart. That picture frame does not represent eternalness, what goes up can still be taken down. In the end, my biggest realisation is this… My home is where Americo is. Everything else is just stuff, pretty but unimportant.
Still .. curtains would be nice!!

THE FUTURE

2009-08-14T16:48:00.002+01:00

I love this picture, brilliant in so many ways.. Firstly, the future is inevitable and secondly – do you really want to know about it?

I love all things shrouded in mystery – tarot cards, palm readers, mystics and psychics. When Americo and I were in Miami I persuaded him to let me blow some of our hard earned cash on getting my palm read, don’t get me wrong this is not something I subscribe to merely a little bit of fun, anyway it was fascinating! She did not ask me anything about myself just started right in on what she foresaw in my future. Afterwards I began to wander, having heard what she had to say, does this then affect the decisions that I will make? It is as though physiologically I have now been pre-advised of my decision and, so as not to tempt fate, I have to choose what I have been advised to choose! Does that make sense? Because you have been told X is the way forward you are now fearsome to choose Y.

This weekend I am planning a little get together in the park, it is almost an annual event in aid of my birthday, only this year it is slightly late. Oh Well! Usually I excel at organising and arranging these events but recently I seem to have lost momentum. I am not sure if it is a sign of getting older or just a sign of getting complacent. Whatever, I plan to rectify the situation with a series of busy activities.

I recently found out that Americo (poor, sheltered man that he is) has never seen, or indeed heard, of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. So, in the interests of cultural diversification, I feel it is my duty to take him off to the ‘Sing-A-Long’ version - where best dressed wins a prize. I am in two minds on whether to warn him of the wonders that await, or, just throw him into a pair of gold hotpants, a la Rocky Horror, and head out for the night. For those of you who are Rocky virgins (surely there cannot be many?) I highly recommend this as an evening’s entertainment! Although be advised it is not for the feint hearted or the morally motivated.

Speaking of motivation, The Girls – Pearl, Tanya and myself went to our first night of all Women’s Volley Ball on Tuesday, funded by our very generous Government.. Oh Me, Oh MY… the PAIN! Personally I just do not believe in the mantra “No Pain, No gain”, seriously - who comes up with this nonsense? Generally I avoid all forms of excercise holding firm to my belief that when I feel energetic - I lie on the sofa and wait for the feeling to pass!

I can honestly say I was cursing my stupidity at being SO vigorous as I crawled up the stairs and heaved myself into bed. Luckily I survived to tell the tale! And am still so thoroughly enamoured with volley ball that I will be back there next week.

Until then!

HOME.. please?

2009-08-10T15:46:00.002+01:00

Today I have limited enthusiasm in work, compounded with a side of no interest drenched in apathy! I know every one hates Monday’s, the thing is, generally, I don’t, however this Monday feels like it should have been consigned to the trash can early on. So, in the interests of my sanity, I have written the day off to predominantly attempting to look busy and surfing the net. Even with these kinds of low ambitions I may not reach my goal, however I shall endeavour!

What, I hear you asking has brought on this bout idleness? Well, to put it simply, I am exhausted! It all started like this….

Friday, our day of regrouping before the weekend, we were invited out for a ‘quiet drink’. I should have known better, there is no such thing as a quiet anything with our friends - I can only put this down to being foolishly optimistic. Even more foolishly however I offered to be the designated driver (much better to have been the drinker than the driver!) The pub was filled with discrete couples and groups chatting quietly and having the epitome of a ‘quiet drink’. Enter the Zimbabwean contingent…

I must admit, when we arrived, the boys were looking very civil, this soon descended into raucous laughter and debauchery. Ending with the drinkers polishing off all the Yagermister (sp) the bar owned and suspect versions of love songs sung to beautiful woman. All and all an evening of embarrassing revelations, free entertainment for the other patrons (dodgy dancing to footloose) and many, MANY, mocking stories for years to come! (woot woot – sorry Bobby, had to do it!)

Saturday dawned bright and sparky for some (i.e. ME) and a dark and cloudy for others. I must admit to a certain smugness at my lack of hangover, it was unfortunately short lived as we had to do repairs to the shower at the rental. We had just finished when the phone rang asking what our afternoons intentions were .. here we go again.. So of we headed for a braai (BBQ) at Trev’s house with Tanya (my sister) joining us there. It was a great afternoon/evening we played games, gossiped laughed and ate until we could eat no more. However it was another late night!

We made it to bed after 1, and up and rushing at 8 to go walking with J&J. By now we were both talked out, it was a very silent trip to our meeting point interspersed with curses when we could not find our final destination! Luckily Americo and I are such happy people and, once we had navigated ourselves to civilisation, the world was back to rights. We had a lovely walk, although my suggestion of shorts turned out to be rather rubbish as we were stung, mercilessly, by stinging nettles! Bloody country life!!

After reading this you are probably feeling as exhausted as we were however…. It was not over! Nope, we still had things to do and people to see.. So we leaped back in our little car and headed over to Ham to meet up with S & I and their families. We eventually touched down at the home base last night after nine to sort ourselves out for the week ahead.

So you see, having burnt the candle at both ends I am feeling a little jaded and uninterested in what today has to offer – unless it is offering a good nights sleep!

TELL ME....

2009-08-03T17:36:00.004+01:00

… What are the advantages of being a woman? On Saturday I was feeling slightly envious of the male creatures on this earth. It seems to me that the ladies received a very short straw when the ‘divine being’ was handing out favours. In my personal interpretation HE stood, like Santa - a sack full of goodies before him, with all the men and women at his feet. “LO, I have here celestial gifts to bestow upon my chosen ones…”

And so the men all rushed forward and grabbed what they could. The women, having the hindrance of heels, were just not quite fast enough so they got stuck with, PMS, Osteoporosis, hormone imbalance etc - I think you get my general meaning......

I promised to give a full update of our tour around Florida and, so far, have been very slack. The problem is when you go on holiday, then return to work, some evil pixie has looked at your work load and gone “for fun, lets double that”. On top of this your mind is still firmly ensconced in a foreign land so it takes you triple the amount of time to figure out .. What the hell do I do?? Anyway.

As you know our pre holiday rush was somewhat hectic, with me losing my wallet and cancelling all my cards, our Tom Tom breaking down and the new one not having enough memory to download the required maps. All in all it would be fair to say, we were quite stressed the night before departure. It was at this point that I decided to go on packing strike - I was feeling disgruntled that this task always seems to fall on me. After heavy negotiations, terms were agreed and I trundled back upstairs to resume packing responsibilities. (Mostly Americo sulked better than I did!!!)

At last Friday dawned and we were on our way, arriving in Tampa late in the evening. For the purposes of a true road trip we hired a convertible, it sounds like a good idea at the time but after hours of being wind blown I admitted defeat.

From Tampa we went to friends of ours in Orlando for a few days. It was great, we hadn’t seen Tina for years (I won’t mention how many!) but it was as though we had never been separated.

Onwards to Miami, the place of beautiful people and LARGE cocktails. We were referred to Mango’s which had fabulous live entertainment that left both Americo and I silently watching the stage! I feel I should put in here that if you are travelling in the States be sure to ask about the ‘walk in rate’, Americo and I got some wonderful hotel deals on this tip.

The most relaxing part of our holiday though were the few days we spent in Key Largo. We stayed at the Coconut Palm Inn, another referral, and it was two days of absolute bliss.

Then there was the shopping… Americo was in seventh heaven and traipsed me around the malls for HOURS. To be honest I was a little disappointed in the ladies fashions and unhappily report that my shopping excursions were not nearly as successful!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY .. to ME!

2009-07-29T19:32:00.002+01:00

That is right folks - today is my birthday and, due to lack of planing, the day I returned to work from our holidays.

As you all know my husband is the most wonderful of men, and has currently confined me to the upper regions of the house so that he can pretend he planned for my birthday .. when in actual fact he is industriously wrapping up presents! Truly, no man will ever compete.

So, our holiday. It was fabulous, we had the most amazing time driving about Florida - attempting to stay on the RIGHT side of the road, which is actually the WRONG side of the road! We laughed .. a lot, ate - even more and generally had the most perfect time together that I am sure I must be the most smug married out there.

Must go now as it is present time.. more tomorrow!!

LOST & FOUND

2009-07-16T14:22:00.001+01:00

How early is 7am? I mean we all know how EARLY it is but for me to get into work for 7 it requires waking up at 5. That’s right folks, I have been up since the crack of dawn. Obviously I do not make a habit of torturing myself (and others) with this extreme start, however today I had incentive… tomorrow Americo and I head Stateside for our American honeymoon (roadtrip). And, as I am so unorganised, I need the extra time this afternoon to get things sorted. In conclusion, I am getting the hell out of here in approximately 30 minutes. WOOOHOOO bring on Friday!

As you can see today I am feeling pretty cheery, I am letting the general annoyances of office life wash over me, safe in the knowledge that, for two blissful weeks, I do not have to deal with anyone else’s crap. Heaven! Yesterday was sadly a different story.

To begin, The Head Man (my boss) left last week for his holiday. Generally this would be perfect; I should have had a week to catch up on all those little things that get put to one side in the overall rush of timelines and deadlines. Someone out there has a wicked sense of humour though, as, on the day of his departure, we received notice of a major project requiring completion just after my return. I watched in horror as my week of pre-holiday, workload clear up, plummeted, replaced by mad, requiring urgent attention, everything has to be done NOW, stress. Ergo my frustration with those that have the sense of urgency of a sloth. Harsh but fair.
Anyway, this blog is not about them.. it is about ME, and Americo! Before the above came to light I had booked for my hair to be cut, in fact I had booked all kinds of things and have re-jigged my working hours to suit. Off track again! Yesterday I dashed off to get my hair cut, amid more anxious calls from my boss’s father requesting assistance. SERIOUSLY!

After my frenzied rush to get to the appointment it was wonderful to sit back and relax in the hair salon. There I sat for the next 3 luxurious hours getting my tresses chopped and highlighted whilst sipping hot chocolate. Ahh bliss, holiday mode was finally settling in, until…

… I reached into my bag to pay the nice lady and LO! Hapana (no) purse. A number of thoughts rushed through my mind, predominantly Oh Shit! But alongside this was the chorus of my bank cards, my credit card, my driver’s licence, my yellow card for when Americo behaves badly. (I will explain that one later!)

First to deal with the situation at hand, phone the wonderful man I married and he can pay – how fabulous are mobile phones? A cunning plan I am sure you will agree, until I realised that the wretched man was not answering. Luckily Pearl leapt to the rescue providing her card details.

My general motto is don’t panic, these things always have a way of turning up yadda, yadda, yadda. As I made my way home my chest started to feel tight and I began to panic with the realisation that.. We are leaving in 2 days with NO CREDIT CARD. Bollocks! I phoned the bank and cancelled my debit cards, just to be safe, whilst Americo called our credit card company to suspend our account advising them never to marry a blond.

You will all be happy to know that I have since found my wallet. It was playing hide and seek under one of notepads.

The Yellow Card. I will make it quick as this entry is taking on epic proportions. When we were in Thailand our bus ticket turned out to be a little yellow sticker with a smiley face drawn on in black marker. We found this highly amusing and thus the ‘Yellow Card’ came to life. It has since taken on a character of it’s own, being produced whenever Americo harasses me!

And now people I am off on holiday, I shall try to provide updates in between swanning about having a fabulous time and doing nothing.

CELEBRATION

2009-07-13T16:46:00.003+01:00

Oh there is just so much to tell that I barely know where to begin! We left off on Friday with me dashing to the station and heading off to Reading for Pearl’s 30th. I am sorry to say that there are no decent photo’s of the evening, such a same…

The train journey to Reading was fairly uneventful and I successfully managed to navigate my way to the hotel without getting lost, quite an achievement for a girl who cannot tell her left from her right. Pearl’s party was held in a very trendy cocktail bar where she had hired out the VIP lounge.. and thus the evening began. Two for one cocktails - it sounds like a good idea, however the next morning, when you feel that someone has opened a mining operation to your brain, it is not quite so clever. Anyhow a wonderful night was had by all, ending with Americo & I weaving our way to the hotel at about 3ish.

On Saturday I woke to an anvil being repeatedly bashed upon my skull and the BOOM, BOOM, BOOM of the new Black Eyed Peas song on repeat. Oooh the pain, the pain; I was somewhat cheered though to see that Americo was not faring any better! (Misery loves company!) Feeling slightly better after breakfast (lunch), painkillers and coke we gingerly walked to the car.

From Reading we had to find our way to Pear & Peter’s to prepare for the next leg of our celebration weekend. Little problem, our trusty TomTom had gone on strike - leaving us stranded in ‘the city of one ways’. Bravely we ventured where no unSat-Nav’ed car had gone before.

Eventually our TomTom was coaxed back into life and we arrived and P&P’s. Only now time was limited and we had to race about trying to get ready for the Blessing. No small task considering we all felt (and I am sure looked) somewhat jaded after the night before.

We made it to the Blessing, arriving fashionably late, to a greeting party of the Zimbabwean contingent outside, in the rain, having a communal cigarette..

Tomorrow I shall endeavour to provide highlights the weekend, of which when alcohol is involved, there are many!

Comic, care of Metro - nemi

LOVE & MARRIAGE

2009-07-10T16:52:00.001+01:00

A few years ago a friend of mine asked his father what the secret to a long and happy marriage was. His father’s reply was very interesting..
“I loved her more, the times she loved me less”. Sadly there is no hard and fast secret recipe for a good marriage, but I really like this theory.

Americo’s and my relationship goes through cycles, of course I love my husband but there are times when I feel such a total adoration for him that it hurts. Other times - he bugs the hell out of me!

This morning was definitely one of those days. We are going to my friend Pearl’s 30th birthday party tonight and then, tomorrow, onwards to a wedding for other friends of ours. Unfortunately the week has not panned out quite the way I foresaw it; mostly with me having everything organised in preparation of picking up my suitcase this morning and swanning out the house. As it was I ended up madly shuffling through clothes for both events whilst Americo lay in bed being more of a hindrance (to both the packing & my humour) than a help. Thankfully I managed to settle on our gear and close the case, however ….

…. This was definitely a moment in time where I loved him less! Luckily it short lived as I managed to find the amusing side of his general morning patheticness.

This week has been chaotic, my commander & chief is off on holiday, leaving today, so we have been on panic mode trying to get everything out in preparation for his absence (and my holiday at the end of next week). What I am trying to say is, I shall be back on Monday, possibly even with photo’s of yours truly looking suitably out of place clubbing in Reading… wish me luck! More so that you may think necessary, as I packed for my clubbing experience half asleep and have probably left some vital part of my wardrobe at home!

NOBODY HOME

2009-07-07T10:31:00.002+01:00

On Saturday we woke up at about 10am, I would like to have said bright and early but it was not to be. Americo and I are night owls no matter how hard we try. This weekend we were with Americo’s family. Americo’s mom is going off to Portugal for three months so we wanted to see her before she set off on her travels. Unfortunately, instead of having the whole weekend with family, Americo was called into an early Monday morning meeting, in Slovakia, so had to fly out on Sunday afternoon.

I have a bit of a love – hate relationship with Sunday, on one hand it is the one day a week that Americo and I (generally) spend exclusively together. On the other, when Sunday dawns it brings with it a slight resentment that Monday is shortly to follow! Whatever my relationship with Sunday it does not divert from the fact that Sundays WITH Americo are vastly more appealing than Sunday’s without. Regardless, Americo deserted me at about 1.30pm to head off to the airport and I, in the interests of self preservation, decided to travel to Richmond and watch ‘The Boys’ play volley ball.

I arrived at volley ball to late to have any actual effect as Cheerleader, and all my good intentions of bringing supplies and feeding the starving masses fell to the wayside. However I made the effort, more so than they realise...

For me the fundamental rule of London Life is to avoid buses like the plague (especially on weekends), unfortunately, as Americo had the car on Sunday I had to make certain allowances. On the way to Ham Common I have to admit to a certain novelty enchantment, it was short lived. The return journey took almost 2 hours with the most revolting creature sitting at the back of the bus spouting forth a venomous dialog consisting, predominantly, of the more earthy expressions from the gutter.

Now I am sure you have all noticed a pattern, when Americo goes out of town I head to KFC! Sunday night was no different… There I sat, with the whole evening ahead of me and my ‘kin filthy chicken’ devoured. I looked around the disaster area we currently call home and got myself motivated.

In any good attack it is important to formulate a plan - other than hoping someone else will attend to the chaos. I started to tidy. I worked my way around the ground floor with systematic thoroughness. In the kitchen I returned salt & pepper shakers etc to their rightful cupboards before making the counters shine with pride (and a little bit of help from Mr Muscle!). I repatriated the paperwork that had illegally migrated from Americo’s home office onto my dining room table. The white flag of surrender finally appeared with the arrival of heavy artillery - The Vacuum and Mop. Yes the house has been beaten into submission, for the moment, however with Americo’s return I foresee another uprising towards the end of the week!

Now I have to work up my reserve energy to tidy and clean the 2nd and third floors! It will have to be Thursday as tonight I have my volley ball – still soooo committed! And tomorrow I am going to support my colleagues in the JP Morgan run. This will mostly consist of me sitting on the grass, keeping an eye on bags whilst enjoying a very satisfying puff gulping down Pimms and Lemonade – LOVE SUMMER!!

SLEEPING

2009-07-02T12:50:00.006+01:00

Usually I sleep like a baby however at the moment I am obviously suffering from a guilty conscience as my nights of easy slumber are just not happening! Tuesday night I could not get comfortable and felt incredibly jealous of my snoozing husband lying next to me gently snoring. I am not sure why but I grabbed my pillow and dumped it on the other end of the bed (head to toe) where I promptly faded into blissful oblivion.

Last night I had high expectations of a great nights sleep, due to my previous night’s lack, sadly it was not to be. Americo climbed into bed and started reading his incredibly dull ‘Alan Greenspan’ book, which is so tedious he has battled through it for the last 2 years, luckily the end is nigh .. only 6 months to go in order to finish the last 10 pages!

Anyway I had just nodded off when Americo turned off the lights, grabbed his pillow plonked it virtually on top of my head, tucked the duvet around us before letting out a huge sigh and crashing. From then on I drifted in the half world that comes after bewitching hour, a suspended animation between the planes of living and dreaming. Then I started to squirm and itch and cough and generally be so restless even I could not be alone with myself a second longer! [NOTE – Americo slept on!]

Once again I grabbed my pillow but this time more drastic measures were required, I tiptoed down stairs to our spare bedroom (careful not to wake Americo), whereupon I collapsed in sheer exhaustion and immediately passed out.

At about 4 I hear a plaintive cry coming from upstairs – “Zan Zan, where are you?” – I call back my whereabouts. Two minutes later there is a thump, thump, thump as my tussled husband stumbles his way down the stairs. I vaguely crack open an eye as he arrives in the doorway giving me the most beautiful sleepy grin. And there he stands, looking somewhat hurt that I abandoned him in the middle of the night saying – “why did you go away”. Truly, how could I ever love anyone else??

Obviously I reply, shut up and go to sleep! So into bed he leaps, whacks his pillow down beside me and once again – passes out!

TO SMOKE OR .. Not to?

2009-07-01T13:32:00.010+01:00

Volley ball – I hope you are all suitably impressed with my dedication to this sport? Lets face it, I am a couch potato and my idea of exercise generally only extends to watching someone else do it.. on TV and not very often! But I am really enjoying my weekly sessions of v.ball in the park, even though my skills don’t quite equal my enthusiasm. Yesterday was the perfect day for out door pursuits, the sun was shining but the blistering heat of earlier had mellowed, and there I was sitting in the park, having a smoke waiting for the activities to begin.

I love times like this, where you are sitting almost in seclusion, enjoying a puff, reading a book and generally feeling smug at being able to block out every other being. That is until I was knocked out of my reverie by a boy of about 12 standing beside me asking for a light. I looked up at him questioning what he wanted my lighter for, he looked back at me and said “to light my smoke” (his eyes adding OBVIOULSY!). Now I realise my hypocrisy when I answered “No” - sure I am sitting there enjoying my smoke whilst simultaneously denying him, his. However, as I explained to him, I cannot, in good conscience let him smoke/start to smoke and be the provider of the fire. Was this boy my child or nephew I would sincerely hope that some adult, faced with the same quandary, would also say no!

When I got home last night I explained to Americo what had happened, he looked at me, raised an eyebrow and said “when exactly did you start smoking?” Bloody typical! “HA” I answered back “Not the point, I had far more sense than asking an adult for a light”. In our poxy little town that would have been the swiftest way to discovery. Anyway, I am not a particularly moralistic person, if I see a group of kids smoking I am unlikely to tell them to stop, but I am not exactly going to encourage them either. Unlike my beloved husband who feels that if they want a light or a cigarette you may as well hand it over - they will just get it from somewhere else anyway….

What utter nonsense, Americo NEVER has a light and he hates sharing his smokes!!!! ;0)

THANKFULLY IT IS OVER..

2009-06-26T23:09:00.002+01:00

Right, I am back! This week has continued in the same vein it began - me ‘making friends’ with various people on a daily basis. Obviously my problems all started on Sunday, with the whole in-law v table issue, only to find that that incident was merely the tip of my irritation iceberg….

On Monday evening I managed to fight my way to a seat on the very full, very stuffy tube (underground train). I had just pulled out my trashy novel when I looked up to find a very pregnant lady standing in front of me. I tried to persuade my conscience to ignore this information but the little cherub sitting on my shoulder had other intentions.

I looked up at the lady, smiled, and said “excuse me, would you like a seat”. She in return looked at me with a bemused expression on her face and said.. “Why?”

I barely managed to hold the words that were desperate to spill forth – aren’t you pregnant????? and mumbled something abstract. Would you believe this has happened to me about 3 times? I am sorry ladies but no longer shall I be going through this embarrassment. Unless I see someone with a sign saying BABY ON BOARD, I shall be ignoring all other indicators, clearly my radar is on the blink!

As you have probably realised the last week or so I have been somewhat distracted. I recently took on a new project, our quarterly Newsletter which is due imminently, hence my neglect of Americo & Me. It has been a really wonderful challenge and I have enjoyed it immensely. As the project has been handed to me in its entirety I arrange what subjects/articles are going to be included, layout, formatting, spelling, grammar etc, etc, etc.

Sounds like a piece of cake? I then received the articles. It took all my creative skill to re-write them in line with our brand ethos, have I mentioned that I work in a Wealth Management Firm? No? Now do you fully appreciate the commitment? You can only get so excited about a pension.

However, no good deed goes unpunished and this was no exception. The downside to my above elation is that for the last two days I have had to work with The Australian. A more uncouth man you could not hope to come across, an in depth description can be found here. Due to the fact that my Mac skills are non existent (having never worked on one) I had to surrender to his superior knowledge and skill. Luckily most of the work was completed on day one, sadly on day two our ‘Man’ waltzed into work with a slight headache from a little too much over indulgence the night before.

Foolishly he then proceed to bait me with various changes I needed made to the Newsletter that, by the way, will be sent to our very high profile Members. Needless to say it was an imprudent battle to pick. ‘Handle with Care’ was a saying coined for me.

Today..

2009-06-26T10:01:00.002+01:00

I promise today I will get my act together and post a propper blog... No more good intentions.

Will be back at about 4 for a full update. In the meantime, lots of interesting things are happening in the world... Michael Jackson has died of cardiac arrest. Farrah Fawcett has passed away from cancer. Iran is upset with America and last, but certainly not least - stoned wallabies have been blamed for crop circles. For full updates check out www.bbc.co.uk/news.

Back in a bit!

BACK & I'M BAD..

2009-06-23T09:19:00.001+01:00

Last week seemed to rush past like a freight train. One minute it was Monday, the next it was Friday and I had barely managed to update my blog!

We went to Volley Ball on Tuesday; I managed to convince Americo to rush back to London from his conference so that he could partake of the festivities. As this had not been in the initial game plan Americo had no clothes with him for volley ball, so being the doting wife (that I clearly am) I lugged all his clothing about London with me. Funny how when I used to travel I could take a little day sack with me for at least 10 days but 1 pair of Americo’s shoes and my whole satchel is full. To conclude on the Volley Ball, this is not just a jolly as first thought – I seem to have signed myself up to a league so will have to be somewhat more committed than initially expected.

This weekend was full of family, Saturday was my niece’s 7th birthday which had me up at the crack of dawn in order to assist with party preparations. Sunday we had Americo’s family round for lunch.

Aaah it was a lunch to remember, and sadly not in the good way either! To begin, I know my faults, I am bossy, lack patience when irritated and generally speak my mind. It is second nature to me when I see one of my nephew’s or niece behaving badly to immediately put in a cease and desist order. Which, as far as I am concerned is not up for negotiation – it is an order with immediate effect. I bet are you are all feeling sorry for the sprogs now?

So, on to the fateful event; I caught our nephew drawing with a piece of metal on my wooden table. We had all been sitting around said table so I am not sure how I hadn’t noticed the silence that inevitably means trouble is brewing. When I caught him at it and asked ‘what the .. are you doing’ – he replied saying ‘I was bored’.

No action from the parental sector. Now this is a quandary, on one hand this is my house and the other, this is not my child. I am sorry to say that the ‘this is my house’ won the day and I refused any pudding to the cantankerous child. Explaining that the excuse of ‘I am bored’ is unacceptable whilst wilfully damaging someone else’s property!

As we sat there with one 12 year old boy in tears and everyone looking at me as though I had just sprouted horns and a tail, I have to admit to ALMOST relenting. However Americo fully backed my decision (which was an incredible relief). His mom offered to buy us a new table – not the point – and my sister in law thought my technique was far too harsh. My logic being .. will he do it again? I doubt it! What I found most uncomfortable though is that my mother in law looked at me like I had a heart of stone, as if the behaviour was all okay because it was in the family?

Saying that however I think I have a better understanding of why parent’s let their children get away with mischief. It is bloody hard to discipline a child. There is something about those big eyes staring back at you as if you have just told them that Santa doesn’t exist and all the reindeer were packed off to the glue factory.

WHAT A JOKER!

2009-06-19T16:25:00.001+01:00

I know, it is pathetic that I am just going to leave a joke here for your amusement however this week has been manic (as said on Monday) and all my writing skills (she chuckles) have been put into editing and revamping articles for our quarterly newsletter. Hopefully things will be back to normal next week, but until then I hope you enjoy the below….

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

BUSY MONDAY

2009-06-15T17:09:00.000+01:00

Due to an impressive amount of slacking off last week I now find myself in a bit of a quagmire with regards to work. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t slack off too much however Monday has arrived with vengeful thoughts of keeping me out of mischief! Tonight I am a work widow as Americo is off shmoozing with his newly acquired team, nevertheless, I believe in looking on the bright side of life … today’s bright side is? I get to eat my KFC fix without any of the guilty feelings associated when Americo is here! I know, it is a small thing but strangely satisfying. Americo meanwhile gets to socialise with all the big bosses, being suitably impressive and spend the night at a hotel well in the Boonies. (Boonies – somewhere MILES away from civilisation, think milk your own cow for coffee).

Yesterday we went to Volley Ball coaching in Richmond, considering we play fairly regularly you would have thought I had gained some finesse. Sadly I am astoundingly pathetic at sports so much so that I have almost honed my lack of skill into an art form. You may snigger but yesterday, after spectacularly missing the ball and landing with a loud thud on my bottom, I received an encouraging round of applause. Americo meanwhile rushes about the court like a fox terrier trying to get every ball that comes his side to the net, wiping out all other players in his wake.

So in the interests of public amusement I am going to go and PLAY volley ball tomorrow, after work, and no doubt return home with my ego broken and every muscle aching.

WHISTLE WHILE YOU WALK

2009-06-10T16:21:00.004+01:00

Today was my first day walking into work due to strike action on the tubes - I hope you are all suitably impressed with my dedication. It took me just under 2 hours, door to door, to amble my way into the office and has given me much entertainment…

Firstly, I went online to search out my best walking route from London Paddington to St Pauls (in the City of London). The best website I have found is http://www.walkit.com/ – it gives you all kinds of handy information such as, distance, time .. if you are a fast walker, moderate or tortoise and how many calories you have expunged from your system. By the way, I classify myself with the moderates.

Average walking time is 1 hour 20 minutes, 6930 steps, 6.3km or 3.9 miles and total calorie usage….. 332 – what a complete waste of time! Luckily I am not a calorie counting kinda girl, but even so I was somewhat demoralised by the minuscule amount versus time I could still be sleeping! However I will, grudgingly, admit that I did feel my fat reserves reluctantly loosening their grip upon my person.

With the strikes everyone who utilises the Underground has had to make alternative plans, mine was to use the overland then leg it the rest of the way. Others are using the bus routes – faster to walk if I am honest – and others still have pulled out their bicycles. And thus begins my story…..

Whilst navigating my way into the office I stopped at a traffic light – Enter our leading man. He was turning onto the road I hoped to cross, looking not as confident as one would hope. Usually at that time of the day the world passes me by with little impression, I am therefore unsure what caught my attention. Was it the wobbly bike looking the wrong side of controlled? Or the face above the handle bars flushed and anxious? More likely it was the hooting. Whatever, the impression of this middle aged man riding into work clinging onto the handle bars like grim death, simultaneously trying to read a map has made me chuckle all day!

I know it is cruel, and maybe you had to see it to fully appreciate my amusement. But SERIOUSLY – when you haven’t looked at a bicycle for the last 20 years what makes you think it would be a good idea to ride, into London, on tube strike day, when the roads are heaving?

As it turns out walking is not really all that good for me either. Usually I am safely tucked away from temptation on the underground. No so today, having wondered down all the best shopping streets in the city I now want to spend, Spend, SPEND!! Luckily everything was closed on my way in – I doubt I shall be so lucky on my way home.

Now I must sign off and saunter homeward.

STRIKE!

2009-06-09T16:17:00.003+01:00

After an extremely lazy weekend, Monday came with all the force of a hurricane and Americo has been manically busy ever since.

Not sure if I mentioned this but Americo, after 4 years, has decided to go permanent at “The Company”. His new role is a marriage breaker.. seeing Americo up at 5.30am and back between 10pm and eleven. Last week I waited for him to get home so that we could eat dinner together, this week I have learnt my lesson!

You can imagine that I am therefore not getting to see much of my husband and, as a consequence, am beginning to forget what he looks like! In order to rectify this situation I have come up with a cunning plan…. Firstly I have given him a code word to be sent, via telephone, 30 minutes prior to arrival. Once at the door there is the secret knock followed by presentation of photo ID.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a 48 hour tube strike which I am looking forward to with eager anticipation. I am so dedicated to my job that I like nothing better than to take a casual stroll (2 hours of causal strolling!) in order to fulfil my duties.

What are they striking for? Well, the RMT Union having consistently provided a fairly shoddy service for years would like a 5% pay increase.. on top of whatever increases were handed out last year. They would also like guarantees that there will be no redundancies (wouldn’t we all?). Who, might I ask will be paying for all this? That is right, I, along with my fellow commuters will! I could go on for hours with this topic but shall constrain myself – aren’t you grateful?

Almost forgot, I received my new passport yesterday, all very exciting especially as I bare a striking resemblance to Casper the Friendly Ghost.. who has just escaped from prison. So happy that I get to keep this one for 10 years!

Think I had better sign off quickly as this post is taking a rather bitter turn! For those in London – happy travels for tomorrow ;)

HOLIDAY

2009-06-05T14:57:00.001+01:00

Last night I finished all but a few planks of decking (because I ran out of oil) just in time too as the weather has turned. With the temperature dropping, cloud building, I would say this is the perfect weekend for Whisky and Poker, failing that, junk food and movies!

I am currently counting down the weeks until we wing our way over to The States for our road trip. I know it is MILES in advance but cannot contain my excitement! When Americo and I got married we were not able to go on honeymoon due to .. getting married and buying a house. So we decided to do a ‘year of honeymooning’ this year, slightly excessive I will admit – but great fun. In December we went to Thailand, where I introduced Americo to the concept of light packing and adventure travelling.

For Americo, being a true accountant, it did not compute to arrive in a foreign country without booking any accommodation and only a vague notion of what we were going to do when we got there. Luckily I have cured him of this and he has taken to my adventurous ambitions with gusto.

Compared to our very lazy Thailand holiday, this trip will be packed full of activities, we land in Tampa, drive to Orlando – there to hit a couple of theme parks then onwards to Miami and back to Tampa on the opposite coastal road. Brilliant! Again we will be rocking up blind with no set plan, only our trusty Tom-Tom and a hire car to hand.

To some people travel is all about the exciting monuments you will see, people you will meet and memories you come away with. Americo, as much as he appreciates all of this his real joy will be of the food – if the food is good we will go there again.. if not – I will have to try better next time! ;)

To end this week is my usual tale of woe – the house has been thoroughly neglected and is once again looking like a charity store. There are more clothes in the washing basket than the cupboards and, if it doesn’t get attended to promptly, we shall have to join a nudist colony.

Luckily I have found the perfect answer to anyone who arrives and walks into the chaos that is our life..

SHOPPING

2009-06-04T15:23:00.005+01:00

I am not sure if you have noticed but I have finally uploaded a profile picture.. how impressive is that? Now I am not going to be too enthusiastic as lets face it, it’s one of our wedding photo’s - which is always a bit naff. However, as I had a limited choice of what pictures were available on my computer I would say I did quite well!

As you know I have a slight passion for all things heels. Well, Pearl called this afternoon offering up a splendid pair of shoes. I thought I would have a quick peek, just a little look, at the fabulousness available online. Oh Bliss… It is not true what they say.. Love can be bought and it comes in a box, full of varying colours – size 5! Sadly I am going to have to restrain myself from dashing off to the shops and purchasing all my favourites. Instead I am going to include them on here so that there is a record for when Americo needs to decide on a suitable birthday present. (hint, hint)

On to other things, at last I seem to have made progress with my damaged engagement ring. When Americo first gave it to me I had only worn it for a few months before one of the little side diamonds promptly fell out. I took it to our jeweller, here in London, who replaced the lost diamond but said we should get in contact with the original supplier as he could not guarantee it.

As we were in SA recently, where we bought the ring, I explained our problems to the gentleman who assured me that he would get everything sorted… Guess what – he didn’t. I have been unable to wear my ring for the last 2 months due to the diamond again hovering on the point of leaping for freedom. However now that I have lost all sense of humour things seem to be getting sorted. Unfortunately ‘Africa Time’ and ‘My Time’ run at very different rates but I am sure, with a little bit of gentle persuasion, results shall be swiftly forthcoming.

PS:- Below is a little picture I came across .. supposedly the ‘International Symbol of Marriage’ - WHOSE marriage - is what I would like to know! Oh, Americo - the shoes are just below! xx

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE.. ME?

2009-06-03T17:24:00.004+01:00

OCD.. the minute I hear of someone with obsessive compulsive disorder I imagine them washing and ringing their hands, muttering under their breath “out, out damn spot” - in a ‘Lady MacBeth’ manner.

With this in mind Americo thinks that I suffer from a mild form of OCD. I have all kinds of quirks that simultaneously amuse and amaze him.

For instance, I cannot go to bed with the cupboard doors open. One Christmas, when I was about 6 one of my cousins told us that open cupboards are the porthole to the ‘otherworld’. Under the cover of night, when little girls are fast asleep, the restless dead make their way into the living world.. and once there TERRORIZE those that were so careless.

As if that wasn’t bloody bad enough just after he had scared the wits out of all of us we had a slight earth tremor. Lights flickered, bunkbeds shook – needless to say it was a moment I have never forgotten. To this day I will get up out of bed, if Americo has left the doors open, and shut them!

By the way, congratulations to me – due to my sterling efforts last night I am now the proud owner of the Wifely Championship Cup…. How did I win this I hear you ask? Well, last night I got home, oiled the deck, did washing and managed to prepare dinner all in time for the starving trooper to arrive home at 9pm!

Instead of a cup I have requested diamonds … as we all know nothing says thank you quite like something sparkly!!!

PS:- I have added below a little picture I received from Zimbabwe - I am not sure how recent it is though...

GRUBBY HANDS

2009-06-01T17:13:00.003+01:00

Yes – I was gardening this weekend. Although whoever says that this is a therapeutic past-time is lying through their teeth! There in nothing enjoyable about scrabbling about in the dirt with all kinds of creepy crawlies lurking in the shadows. It was a ridiculous idea and would you believe that I actually initiated proceedings? No? Nor can I.

It all started like this..

As I mentioned Americo has been harassing me about leaving a weekend free to do all kinds of energetic household things. Obviously with this kind of incentive I have attempted to keep us thoroughly occupied doing other, more pleasant activities! Anyhow I eventually acquiesced suggesting that we utilise the glorious weather we had over the weekend to clean the decking and generally get up to date with our outside chores.

Saturday dawned and with it a certain regret to being so compliant! Anyway off we went to Costco to buy a power hose in order to beat our decking into submission. Oh my living! What a day. I was already over it half way through watching Americo try to connect the pipes to the contraption. However, being the delightful wife that I am .. I put my book down, changed into my bikini and scrubbed and sweated alongside my husband. I did not even complain (MUCH) when he stood behind me criticising my deck cleaning technique. Finally, after hours of busyness the decking was clean (not so Americo and I!) and we sat back, cigarette in hand surveying our hard work.

Sunday, yet another spectacular day, we sat eyeing out the horrid apple tree that grows in our neighbour’s yard. It may grow in their yard but due to sunlight issues actually spreads its branches all over our patch dropping bitter, hard green apples, creating a bit of an obstacle course. So having discussed with them (the neighbour) we hacked down the offending limbs, now ruining or cleaning efforts, and spent Sunday chopping up the branches for disposal. Americo, now well in the mood then suggested we tackle the front garden.

Here is where it all goes horribly wrong! Our front postage stamp is prolific with weeds, one has actually grown so huge it has raised it’s head above the windowsill and has been enjoying all kinds of night-time viewing with us. Clearly this had to be sorted but with my contempt of dirty hands I ask you.. was I really the person for the job? All is well that ends well though as our garden now looks lovely with all the weeds having been ruthlessly yanked out of their earthen home.

To end here is a funny little something that I got in an e-mail – had me chuckling for ages!!

FRIDAY!

2009-05-29T14:55:00.001+01:00

Good news – the Windy One is to be moved as of next week; and not a moment too soon I might add! In the last fortnight things have gotten to a frustrating level where I find myself debating the sense of making it into the office.

Unfortunately now that I am a committed married lady I cannot be quite as flighty as I once was. Where as before if I found myself “surrounded by idiots” (in the words of Scar from the Lion King), I would simply smile smugly, safe in the knowledge that I could walk whenever I had had enough. Unfortunately now that I have a mortgage I have to be slightly more circumspect although Americo does, on occasion, have to remind me of this. It is true, I don’t have much of a work ethic but in a perverse way this actually makes me a better worker.

It would take an age to explain the twisted logic of my comment but it goes something like this… As I am never particularly desperate to be in a job, my work is always of the best standard for the simple fact that I have CHOSEN to work here! Simple, really.

This weekend is about to be the start of a (hopefully) glorious summer. We are celebrating this beginning, with much hard work… Americo has been harassing me to keep a weekend free to attend to the garden. So tomorrow is fully dedicated to cleaning, scrubbing, pulling and generally getting grubby! I am trying to contain my enthusiasm but finding it a bit of a struggle…

BOYS BEHAVING BADLY

2009-05-27T15:05:00.001+01:00

I know, I know, I have been slack the last couple of weeks with my posting. As they say the road to hell is paved in good intentions and none have been better than mine!
This last weekend was crazy, as previously predicted. The bachelor’s went off with a bang, many a hangover and more successfully achieved. My husband came rolling in at 5am a veritable paragon of society compared to the other drunkards! I know this as I was the welcoming party for the early arrivals (we had 7 or so people staying with us after the bash) who came in requesting necessities such as water, buckets and headache pills…. I am sure by now you can see the theme this post will be taking so read on.

As beds and bedding were limited I had enough sleeping accommodation for an extra 6 people with an additional mattress etc to be provided by the main organiser. Unfortunately in the rush to set off for the evening’s entertainment the extra inflatable mattress was not unloaded the from the car and so we were one bed short. Normally this would not be a problem but things being as they were the couch had already been taken over.

Anyhow, I woke up to the not so quiet debate between Mr X and Americo on whether he could sleep on the floor at the end of our bed. After much discussion (basically Americo gave up arguing) Mr X was provided with pillows from the sofa and our TV rug whereupon he curled up on the floor and drifted into a drunken slumber. Unfortunately Americo and I were not so lucky…

It started with a gentle hum, within five minutes however the snoring had escalated, reverberating about the room and eliminating any chance of sleep. Something had to be done! Americo tried prodding our inebriated friend, calling his name, banging on the bed, all to no avail. Eventually I wrapped the pillow about my head and attempted to get some sleep, you have to understand that although this muted the sound it still fell woefully short of the requirement levels! I cannot explain the racket, something akin to sleeping in a timber mill - under the saw! At one stage I seriously contemplated setting up my hammock on the balcony, finally vetoing the idea once I had reviewed effort against time.

Now you would think that all ends here – guess what, it doesn’t! No bachelor’s is complete without the obligatory hurling episode and ours was no different. When I could remain in bed no longer I ventured into our en suite bathroom, only to stop at the threshold. I won’t give the full graphics as I am sure you can include your own imagery but suffice to say, I made it no further. The downstairs bathroom had fared only slightly better in that the culprit had made it to the toilet. However, all is well that ends well with thanks to Mr X who gave our bathroom floor a thorough cleaning!

Our friend Peter is very happy to have had the bucket of shame title taken from him and handed down to the very deserving brothers grim who have christened the toilets in our new home. They in return were suitably ashamed to have received such particular honour.

bad, Bad, BAD

2009-05-22T13:16:00.002+01:00

The sooner this week is behind me the better things will be for everyone! Usually I manage to keep my frustration levels to a minimum but let’s face it the week started badly and so it progressed. “The Windy” one continued to wind me up with increasing liabilities of a confrontation. The storm hit on Thursday morning.

I am not a morning person, I know this, you know this - everyone knows this. But the truth of the matter is that my no talking before 10 am policy (preferably 12 pm) was strictly enforced when the windy one joined the company. I can only just handle annoyances on a good day, but major irritations every morning of the week are just too much for me! Now you can imagine my dismay when we had an office reshuffle a few months back and who should be placed in front of me? You guessed it!

I realise that my black mood was brought on by a relatively minor thing but I claim woman’s prerogative! I got into the office and the window was open with cold air gusting down my collar, I asked, very politely if we could please close it as I was freezing. Sadly ‘he’ is the keeper as it is only on his side that you can open/close it, anyway the response was a very resounding “NO! – I am hot, go put on a jacket”. Now the other girl on our set of desks had also asked, however she took it one step further and closed the window when he was away. There started a day of continued pettiness with one opening and the other closing. Eventually I requested again that surely he could not still be ‘boiling’ and could we please close the window. Again, NO.

By this stage my PMS was clocking in big time and begging for blood. I very gallantly restrained myself from crossing completely to the dark side which I can assure you would have been vulgar, violent and altogether very satisfactory! The problem with me is that once I am on this trip it takes very little for me to go from Zero to Hero (as it were). So I did the only thing a girl can do.

I requested he be moved from my sphere due to major personality differences namely that I am made of goodness and light and he is generally a pain the ****! (I like to believe this about myself .. but really even I know that is somewhat of a stretch!) Regardless, my manager, having witnessed him picking his nose the day before, was quite sympathetic to my cause. And so it is that peace shall once again descend on my world albeit in a few weeks time. However as there is some light at the end of the proverbial tunnel I can hang in there! Aren’t I brave?

Anyhow it is Friday and I will be leaving this week behind me with glee.

ANOTHER DAY..

2009-05-19T13:22:00.001+01:00

.... Another irritation! Last week (Friday) as I sat at my desk a pungent aroma assaulted my nostrils. Perhaps pungent is a slight exaggeration however it was a smell more commonly associated with bathrooms than boardrooms. I glanced up hoping to find the guilty party looking suitably bashful. No such luck. Anyhow, it happened again on Friday afternoon.

Then yesterday, this odour once more came to my attention. I am sorry, but is there really any need to alleviate gas in the vicinity of your colleagues.. I thought not. I have my suspicions as to who the offender may be, namely the dodgy Australian who sits across from me burping (and presumably farting) his way through the day.

Today was one burp to many from ‘the all burping and farting one’, with me requesting that either he get house trained or move elsewhere! Hopefully the public shaming will end this all to comfortable behaviour!

This weekend was fairly quiet for Americo and I – lulling us into a false sense of security as the coming weekend is going to be manic in the extreme. On Saturday Americo woke up trying to con me into making him coffee. As I drink neither coffee nor tea his chances are always slim to begin with. Anyhow his attempt is well worth a mention…

As I woke up before Americo I quietly got out of bed and went to hit the shower, however the minute he felt me shift one beady little eye popped open and he said,

“Zanna, last night I had a dream”. As Americo very seldom remembers these I was interested. “What was it about?”
“Well, I dreamt that God spoke to me” he continued to explain. “God told me that you are going to make me a cup of coffee!” I turn and look at Americo, who is grinning back at me like the proverbial cat that got the cream.
“Indeed?” I reply - “Did God happen to mention that your cup of coffee will only be making an appearance once I have had a shower?”
Somewhat crestfallen he looks at me
“He guessed you would say something like that!”

THE WILD SIDE CALLS...

2009-05-15T14:35:00.004+01:00

Last night we fell asleep to the gentle pitter patter of rain. It got me thinking about my appreciation of turbulent weather, even though the conditions were anything but! There is something about howling wind and driving rain that calls to my feral side.

Let me explain, in Africa I loved watching thunderstorms. The day starts out as any other except there is a heaviness in the atmosphere, a smell of ozone in the air. It might be hours before the rain comes but you can feel the electricity, a taste of expectancy. Slowly the clouds gather, turning the sky a bruised colour - night has come early. The clouds go black, full of water, eager for release.. But not yet. There is a loud rumble in the distance as the thunder growls across the land, like so many tables being dragged and pots broken. Silence! A flash, splitting the sky in half, a delay, then an almighty BOOM as the sound of lightening catches up to you. Chaos reigns above but still not a drop has been spilt. The roar of thunder and lightening grows, ever closer, until it feels as though the sky will plummet to the ground.

At last relief comes with that first droplet of water, the beginning of a deluge. There is nothing gentle about this storm, after all the advertising it does not disappoint, the rain pours forth. The water is forceful, impatient to reach earth. If you step outside now you will feel the power as drops zing against your skin. This is my time, having waited so long, this is the time I go out to welcome the rain. Then it is over as though it never was.

Ahh, an African Thunderstorm, so awesome that words cannot capture its essence!

Here we do not get the driving rain that rushes over Savannah lands into the mountains but I have an alternative. The Wind, an untamed force, in a submissive land. Come winter the arctic blows its icy fingers across the UK. On these days I lift my face to greet it, raising my arms wide. The wind rushes forward in answer pulling my hair and clawing at my coat. I struggle to explain this wildness that runs through me. It is an eccentric, but significant part of my being. Like the storm or the wind, something unreachable, wild and free..

Now don’t get me wrong. As much as I love to dance under the pouring rain in Africa the chances of me doing so here are fairly slim! Drizzly weather does not appeal to me in the same fashion!

I HAD A DREAM..

2009-05-14T14:14:00.002+01:00

Last night I dreamt we were living in a haunted house. It was very graphic, with that feeling of dread as the walls started to shake and I watched in horror when the roof began to collapse in on us with a huge roar. I awoke with a cold sensation that only dreams can induce.....

....... to find Americo snoring loudly in my ear! This was a very frustrating moment for me, where usually I would kick him until he shut up, my silencing leg is currently out of commission, so I gently (or not as the case may be) nudged Americo into wakefulness with my shoulder.

Actually we seem to have had a slight shift in sleeping habits which I am not very happy with. Historically I was the first to fall asleep in the belief that Americo remained awake to guard me in repose. Recently this has not been the case! In fact, this week he has actually fallen asleep BEFORE me??? Not really a good thing for him, as I am a nervous night time person and keep asking 'What was that?' - thereby waking him constantly until I do eventually drifts off to nod. I have said it before and I shall say it again .. isn’t he a lucky man?

We have now finalised our trip to the States – well, what else was I to do whilst recuperating? Instead of focusing our efforts only on Orlando we have decided to do a road trip round Florida. Our starting point will be in Tampa where we land, 3 days in Orlando to visit two of the theme parks, onwards to Miami. From Miami we will then return to Tampa via the Everglades and up the west coast. I cannot wait.. now to find that perfect bikini!

Wish me luck this evening as my friend Liz is coming round for dinner and scrabble - hopefully, my planning has been a bit slack this time. Last time she thoroughly thrashed me so tonight is all about saving face.

TUESDAY!

2009-05-12T13:42:00.001+01:00

I am slowly but surely recovering from my varicose vein operation but must mention that it is not the most pleasant of experiences. As well as the beautiful bruising, I have a 4-5cm cut in my groin that totally grosses me out every time I look at it! I did think about taking photo’s and posting them for a keepsake but really it is too revolting… The other cuts are inconsequential as they don’t give me any pain and will be all gone in a jiffy.

Before this operation I was a huge advocate of “plastic fantastic.. baby”! In that when/if Americo and I ever have children every part of my body would be returned to pre-child proportions. Now, however, I feel that plastic surgery really should be the last option. That is not to say that I have gone all extremist in the other direction - I still want the right to choose! It is just that I now remember how painful it is to go under the knife.

So to this end I have a shocking announcement… I am going to start being healthier. I have no expectations that this will last long as I get bored easily and generally lack dedication. However in order to keep the bulge at bay I feel that something really must be done. SO! Once all the holes are sealed I shall be joining a swimming pool and taking up where I left off MANY years ago. Any helpful hints would be appreciated..

Yesterday I spoke to my Aunt Mary who told me that someone from our French side of the family (on my mother’s side) have written a little book about our history/family tree. How exciting! Unfortunately it is all in French so will need to be translated but I am eager to get a copy with family stories dating back to 1066! I will keep you posted.

All Done!

2009-05-06T09:13:00.004+01:00

I had my operation on Tuesday and all has gone well. I am feeling somewhat battered and bruised with a beautiful patchwork of black and purple running up and down my leg where they pulled the vein out.

There were a few touch and go moment such as when the nurse came to take my blood and then attached a hose pipe to the vein to get a FEW vials.. by the end of that I was feeling somewhat queasy and Americo didn't look much better!

I won't go into all the gory details but would like to mention that I was incredibly brave and did not head for the doors the minute I saw a needle.

When I came to I had a very nice nurse who I was absolutely convinced was Americo and kept insisting that he take me home IMMEDIATELY as I was sick of being in hospital! He on the other hand tried to explain that he was not Americo and as such could not take me anywhere.. Once I was a bit more compesmentis he said that I was speaking in Portuguese?? Not quite sure where that came from but it seems those classes did actually pay off - I just have to be doped up in order to use them!

Anyway I am signing off now. I will be back on Monday.

IT'S PINK!

2009-05-01T15:18:00.001+01:00

The other night Americo did a load of washing. As a red pair of fisherman trousers we got in Thailand would be included I reiterated that no whites, whatsoever, should be involved… You can see the impending doom.. I transferred everything from washer to tumble dryer and guess what I found? Americo’s once very manly football socks were now a lovely shade of salmon, along with his ankle guard and some other choice items. I have to admit to a little chuckle of amusement seeing my husband rushing about trying to get his gear together with pink ankle guard on one foot and a jaundiced expression directed at the socks.

I have not always been the ‘demi-domestic goddess’ you see before you. In fact when I came to the UK my kitchen skills consisted of nuking a potato in the microwave and not much more. I remember one boyfriend’s mother saying ‘She is lovely darling.. but I don’t think she can cook!’

My second home in London was a houseshare on Fladgate Road. I was living with a group of friends from Zimbabwe along with my brother and his wife. Being so far from home we were more a family unit than a typical shared house. Everyone had a duties partner and each ‘couple’ had their chance of cooking a proper meal once a week. However, as I could not cook my partner would only allow me to watch and clean. The one day, seeing me wielding a knife, he removed the danger from my hands and asked me to please sit out of harms way.

To return the kindness I offered to iron his shirt whilst he cooked dinner. All I can say is it seemed like a good idea at the time. It started off so well, that is until about half way through when the iron got a little sticky and I lifted it to find a newly inserted hole. After this episode not only was I banned from the kitchen but my washing duties were limited to putting the washing machine on where upon magical little Fairies would descend, transfer them to the tumble dryer and onwards to my bedroom all neatly folded! Oh how I miss those days!!

This weekend is a busy one for us, we have my cousin’s 40th birthday party which is themed fancy dress. Americo has been inspired, suggesting he will be going as .. himself! Hmmmm. I on the other hand intend to make just a little bit more of an effort within what we have at home. Do you think I could put my wedding dress back on and go as Julia Roberts in The Run Away Bride? No? I didn’t really think so either. Undoubtedly something will spring to mind between now and tomorrow.

Sunday we are walking with friends round Henley on Thames with a little picnic at some halfway point – lets hope the weather stays as beautiful as it is today. Finally, as Monday is a bank holiday, we are off to the park for volley ball. After much beating of chests last weekend we have a tournament of some description going ahead. My money is on Americo and Bob, mostly because the are brutal and hate to loose!

Tuesday is my op so I will probably be out of commission and off the blog until the following Monday.. Until then!

HOSPITALS..

2009-04-30T12:18:00.002+01:00

Things have been busy this week as I am out of the office next week having an operation on my leg. Thankfully it is nothing serious but I will be laid up for the week with my right leg in the air. I am really not sure what to expect and after initially putting a brave face on things have since relented and asked Americo to come and hold my hand!

Hospitals and I do not go well together. I have a mild phobia of needles that began with one to many jabs when I was younger. The last time I had one of these I was about 11 and it was the last ‘shot’ of a long series of rabies jabs.

I remember the day clearly it was the last Sunday of school holidays and I was due back at boarding school on Monday. There had been much discussion throughout the day about the best way to proceed. I was arguing the side of “let’s not have it done” (I think dad was almost convinced .. aware of the impending pandemonium) however mom remained resolute. I must mention that, although mom was stoic, she was also dreading taking me to get it done.

Dad, having previous physiological scarring from one of these trips refused to be involved. And so it was that Julian, my big brother, was roped into joining us - all the time questioning why anyone would need to be on hand for his little scrap of a sister? The reason was soon revelled….

We drove the 30km’s into town with a growing sense of trepidation filling the car. Eventually we arrived at the hospital, my little bottom puckering at the thought of being turned into a human pin cushion.

Out came a friendly doctor commenting on my bravery, then he did a fatal thing.. he showed me the injection. I took one look at it, grabbed the car keys out of mom’s hand and ran, locking myself in the car. After much persuasion from my mom I reluctantly unlocked the car and followed them back into the ward. Honestly I truly did have good intentions of behaving myself, but when he came in for the second go I could contain myself no longer. However all the staff, having witness my previous bid for freedom, were on hand to head me off.

There was no escape; I did though manage to create quite a stir screaming down the corridors with a trail of nurses and orderlies in my wake. Inevitably I was cornered and after such a run around restrained by Mom, Julian and 6 orderlies. I am not sure Julian ever fully recovered from the swift conversion of blue eyed angel to fiend. I also understand that my reputation holds firm at that little hospital in Mutare.

Now before you start a major outpouring of sympathy for Americo, let me just say that I have improved. I now provide the ‘needle bearer’ with a set of handy guidelines i.e. ABSOLUTELY no opening the needle packet in front of me, definitely no showing of the needle and suitable distraction is a necessity at the time of injecting. Americo is looking forward with, with great anticipation, to Tuesday’s activities!

That Disaster Dinner..

2009-04-28T16:27:00.000+01:00

Oh what a weekend. On Thursday I prepared Americo’s favourite dinner – Oxtail. If anyone has ever cooked oxtail you will know that it is a very flavourful meat that is as tough as old boots unless cooked for endless hours. Usually I would do this in the pressure cooker which cuts the cooking time by half and is guaranteed eating satisfaction. However last week I thought I would be adventurous and experiment… on Thursday I cooked it for two and a half hours in the oven expecting that it would require only a further one and a half hours on Friday night. I was misled! By 11pm on Friday dinner was still a bit too much on the chewy side and my husband was looking decidedly grouchy. So it was with grumbling tummies and chastised attitudes we went to bed.

You will be happy to know that the oxtail, after a further hour in the pressure cooker, was salvaged and tasted very nice and tender the next day. However 6 hours in the oven and the extra hour seem a bit excessive for any meal. Next time (as Americo expressed on numerous occasions) I shall stick to the tried and tested method! You see sweetheart, I do on occasion listen to you!!

On Saturday, having recovered from our disappointments of the night before, we set out for a lovely day with friends. Storme & I went to Tori’s kitchen tea whilst Ian and Americo amused themselves by purchasing all the ingredients for our dinner. What was to be a quiet evening of just 4 ended as a drunken shindig with all the boys on top form. I cannot remember when I have laughed so much! As I was not drinking the mantle of designated driver fell to me. I have to admit to a certain gratitude that my charges were all slightly under the weather.. thereby unable to remember the trip or my driving home! Actually it wasn’t as bad as all that but I truly do not think I could have handled 4 extra backseat drivers making helpful suggestions.

Sunday dawned beautiful and sunny (possibly a little too sunny for Americo who, from what I understand, had a marching band playing in his head). Unfortunately there was no time for sympathies as we had to be up and att’em so that we could replenish our stocks at Costco then onwards and upwards to lunch with Pearl and Peter. We arrived at P&P’s with our 6 months worth of meat and promptly rearranged their fridge to accommodate all our food. After a lovely lunch in their beautiful garden we drove home for many a delightful hour of unpacking, wrapping and stacking.

Come Monday morning I was looking forward to the relative peace of going back to work! Now it is Tuesday and the shine of Monday has definitely been tarnished!

FEEDBACK WANTED!

2009-04-24T15:44:00.001+01:00

Can you believe that I have been writing this blog for almost 3 months, and what fun it has been! Unfortunately I am not sure it has been as much fun for everyone who has read it, so please leave me some feedback so that I know if I am doing things right.

Today has been exceedingly dull in the office as we have had a systems meltdown leaving us with no e-mail for the last two days. Realistically I know that this should not be a problem, however most all of my work is client related and directly linked to e-mail. Now I know that I could get on with doing filing or something equally brain numbing .. but the truth is I have not quite reached that level of desperation! Instead I have resorted to alcoholic entertainment and am currently sipping a Pimms whilst staring wistfully at the sunshine outside.

My office is placed in a beautiful square in the City of London, we have a lovely little park with remnants of the original Roman Wall that surrounded the London all those years ago. At our main entrance there is a huge hedge dividing our office from the park and partially concealing a little patch of green around the corner from the rest of the garden, all the smokers gather here.

One day a few months ago, whilst out for a cheeky puff, I noticed a sleeping form, lying on the grass, on the other side of the hedge. I thought he must be some vagrant having found a quiet spot to rest his weary head. I came to refer to him as The Sleeping Man, he being there almost daily.

Anyway, yesterday was so beautiful I wondered into this secluded area. After about 10 minutes a well dressed gentleman arrives with a rucksack. He proceeds to scout out the area, then pull all kinds of paraphernalia from his bag, including an inflatable mattress.

Well I looked at him and he looked at me.

Finally I smiled and said .. ‘Are you the sleeping man?’

To which he responded that he was and that he suffers from narcolepsy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcolepsy) . Basically he comes to the park, everyday, rain or shine (even snow), sets up his camp site and has a quick kip for an hour or so.

Now I am not sure if he was taking the mick, but truly he blew up his mattress, lay himself down and promptly drifted off into the land of nod!

How ironic though that ‘the sleeping man’ literally is THE sleeping man!!

WASHING ALERT!

2009-04-23T13:16:00.001+01:00

After yesterdays debacle, I am wearing my glasses – can’t say they have made me any wittier but I can certainly see better!

I have now, mostly, settled back into the swing of things.. I have remembered how to type and log onto my computer without expiring the password, and most importantly that payday arrives on Friday.

When Americo & I arrived back on Sunday he diligently loaded up the washing machine and cleaned all our laundry, neatly heaping the dried mounds in anticipation of my folding expertise. I on the other hand took one look at the growing chaos and ignored it. Unfortunately acknowledgement will no longer be denied. Our house is fast becoming a classified zone, resembling Oxfam on drop off day. We have more clothes sitting on our sofas than we do in the cupboards. This is posing a slight problem as all clean ware is in the lounge and the once neat stacks of laundry, after being raided, are beginning to resemble an attempted burglary.

Oh well, on to other things. This morning I woke up to Americo’s alarming alarm going off at the usual 6am slot. Amazingly, he actually got up, well.. More like fell out of bed so big was his surprise. I must admit to a sleepy chuckle at my drowsy husband tumbling to the floor. For retribution Americo stood over my dreaming form, put his nose on my nose and stared. A more uncomfortable way to be woken I do not know. He would not relent until I opened my eyes which proved to be rather difficult as one eye remained resolutely shut. And so we were, Americo grinning like a monkey and me blearily blinking back – owl like.

Yesterday was the 2009 Budget Report, exciting stuff. Basically if you eat, work and pay taxes your chances of getting shafted have greatly improved. Here, here to Labour!

GOOD INTENTIONS

2009-04-22T16:27:00.000+01:00

Having sat down to write my Wednesday edition of ‘Americo & Me’ I find my eyes resisting all persuasive measures. You see today I stupidly wore my contacts which are currently inflicting much pain upon my eyeballs, thereby diverting all attention away from my current task. Why? I hear you ask did I wear contacts if they are insistent upon butchering my eyes? Well.. it was such a beautiful day today and my sunglasses don’t get out the house much sooo, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Anyway, as my concentration is currently directed to other things I am going to cope out and provide you with an amusing article I stumbled upon during my travels in cyber space.

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_corner/article/26357/

Enjoy! Tomorrow I shall be my usual witty, spectacled self!

LOOK WHO'S BACK

2009-04-20T16:22:00.001+01:00

Yip that is right folks I am back! Never before have we been so grateful to return home after a holiday, my bed, I missed my bed!!! All in all we had a wonderful time away, a complete family overdose which to the uninitiated can be slightly overwhelming. Americo and I landed yesterday morning (at a revolting hour) and decided to catch the tube home, now when we agreed these terms I thought a taxi would be waiting at the other end. My expectations fell woefully short as we trudged the 15 minutes home, me in slops with frozen toes!

We left London in a rush with Americo being caught up in a traffic jam and then, when we were out the door and half way to the station, realising that he had left his mobile… HONESTLY! Our flight to SA was fairly uneventful, seeing us land in Jo’burg on the Thursday before Easter, grab our hire car and dash towards the beach. Our ‘dash’ to the beach was a 7 hour long drive with masses of junk food and rubbish radio. Luckily for Americo I kept him entertained by singing all my old childhood travelling songs – I am not sure he was completely appreciative though as he looked a little tooooo relieved when we reached the guest house..

In case you are thinking that our soirée in deepest, darkest, Africa was just another jolly holiday, you would be wrong. We were all gathered for the very special wedding of my cousin Sara to her VERY lucky Irishman, Colin.

We took Sara on a final ‘ladies night’ prior to the big day, an ET (Emergency Taxi) was hired for the night to collect the girls at Wedding HQ for an evening of debauchery. For those who do not know about ET’s, let me explain… Unfortunately there is no public transport system to speak of in South Africa (they are hoping to remedy this prior to 2010) therefore leading to a fairly major opening in the market, hence the ET was born. Now ET taxi drivers have a very bad reputation, as any South African Driver knows you just do not tangle with an ET. SA ET’s are basically 10 seater people carriers that generally have some boisterous slogan printed on the back window and suicidal maniac at the wheel. Anyhow, I digress..

Our ET pulled up to collect its precious cargo of sisters, cousins, friends and of course, the bride to be. The men folk escorted us to our waiting chariot with ‘TEASERS’ written across its arse. Marcus (our cousin) spoke to the driver expressing his wish that all said relatives be returned safely and in one piece. We clambered in and settled ourselves with beers and champagne, as we pulled off Innocence (the Driver) pumped up the music, hit the strobe lights and we bounced our way out of the yard.

I only make a small mention of the seductive dance the barman gave Sara and the two ladies who were hurling the van by the end of the night. Suffice to say a great time was had by all with many a hang over the next morning.

Now on to the main event – The Wedding, it was beautiful. Sara looked stunning, Colin dashing and the venue was amazing. Set in a gated development in one of the few forested areas on the northern beaches coastline. Weddings are really such happy occasions, the celebration of love, uniting families and gathering the clans. So a special mention to Sara and Colin, may your marriage be filled with happiness, kindness and much laughter.

Americo seems to have gathered quite a fan club with the petite ladies on our holiday. Obviously I think my husband is the most handsome and best of men and it seems others do to! One young lady in particular saw A & I swimming in the sea and turned to her aunt saying ‘Oh, there is Americo, you know the man wearing the blue shirt at the wedding .. isn’t he dreamy!’ The aunt explained to me that she was shocked that her 13 year old niece was taking such a keen interest in the male species. However I do understand her sentiments!

Along with all his other attributes Americo has the patience of a Saint, well he would need too really as he is married to me. Tanya and I decided after a particularly tiring day at the beach to sit down and play a game of scrabble. Amber, my niece expressed a wish to join us which was not reciprocated by the sisters. In a moment of inspiration I said ‘Sweetheart, where is your uncle Americo?’ Off she tootled, coming back a minute later saying
‘He is in the bedroom but has closed the door and put the side table across it!’. Very poor show uncle Americo…

‘Well,’ says Tanya ‘Why don’t you read to uncle Americo from the other side of the door?’

Off she went and so Tanya and I spent a pleasant hour playing scrabble. After a time we noticed that all was a little too quiet and decided to seek out both Americo and Amber. This is how we found them, a dozy Americo lying in bed, half asleep, being read a riveting version of The Princess and the Pea by a very proud Amber. Such a gentle moment!

Unfortunately I think it is time I closed this post as I seem to have written a novel.

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN...

2009-04-08T12:36:00.000+01:00

That is right folks Americo and I are into the final countdown before we hit the airport and fly out of here. What a last few days… Our weekend was hectic with me suffering from bad moods and the flu.. which really assisted said bad mood. Americo thought I was a delight and is eagerly looking forward to the next time I am ill…….

The DS side of the family came to us for lunch on Sunday which was wonderful, for us – I am not so sure about them. No sooner had we finished eating than Americo roped his brother, Mario, into ‘assisting’ with the fixing of all odd jobs around the house. Refitting skirting boards, waterproofing the showers etc, etc. At the end of it he (Americo) looked at Mario with a beatific smile on his face and said, ‘next time you should come for the weekend’. Chances are slim - especially when Americo suggested sending out a ‘to do’ list in advance! He is nothing if not an optimist.

I am not sure if I have said this before but I love shoes. Beautiful shoes are my downfall, however I have been very good and abstained from all shoe shopping compulsions. That is until I saw the most striking pair of red heels begging to be adored. And so, I rushed home to my best of husbands and BEGGED! Explaining how forlorn they looked in the shop window and, as I am the most deserving of wives, they should come home to me. After much deliberation and discussion it was agreed that they were to be mine - I cannot lie, Americo discussed, I utilised coercion and blackmail! Well what is a girl to do?

Anyway on Monday, after dashing home to meet the dishwasher repairman.. who arrived an hour before schedule, leading to huge irritation as I missed him. I thought it was the perfect time to go and collect my heart’s desire. Oh they are lovely and would you believe the last pair in my size – it was meant to be.

I was so enamoured that I wore them into work on Tuesday. Sadly the pretty red shoes did not feel the same way about my feet as I felt about them. After my charitable deed of bringing them home they made a vicious and completely unprovoked attack on my feet! I think in future they will be worn with care, to a bar where not much standing or walking is required!!

On that note I am off to SA, I will try to write if I get a chance between body surfing and sunning myself. If not, a wonderful Easter to all and I shall update you on our adventures upon my return.

YAY - Almost Holiday Time

2009-04-03T16:58:00.001+01:00

Five days to go until we head off to Sunny Africa. In preparation of our trip to SA I have been making lists.. endless lists. I need to go shopping, do washing and amongst all this feed the wary trooper that is my husband. Now I hear you questioning why I need to be so uber efficient when we have all these days ahead to prepare. The truth is that we do not, time is running short and we have a full weekend with friends and family before our departure.

And so, to avoid our usual ‘5 minutes before we have to be at the airport’ rush, I have a plan. My plan is not as good as Americo’s though, as I do not have a wife who will diligently organise the packing side of things, but still .. it is a plan. The first part of my plan is to be slightly more prepared than our last trip, where we were still picking things up and dropping them off at one o’clock in the morning. Luckily our flights are at a civilised hour and we will only need to be at the airport by 6pm however we are both working a full day beforehand so that leaves timing a bit tight. The emergency bag will be ready at the door in case I can’t quite get my act together… this will consist of swim suites, goggles & snorkels, tickets and passport.

Now the working week is drawing to an end and I have to admit that it could not have come soon enough. As I sit here writing this blog, drinking a PIMMS, I look forward to next week Thursday when I shall be sitting on a beach, smoking a cigarette and wondering why life cannot always be so fabulous.

FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD

2009-04-01T16:50:00.004+01:00

Today was demonstration day. For the most part things have been fairly quiet with a few scuffles, some damage was done to the RBS bank near Threadneedle Street with windows broken and computer equipment thrown out the building. Of course no good protest can be held without defacing something of cultural value such as the beautiful statues outside the Bank of England. All and all a complete waste of time, money and effort for no gain! What they actually should have done is said to the Government ‘we are thinking of demonstrating, it is going to you a minimum of £10 million why don’t we put all that cash towards feeding a few of the deserving starving?’

As the masses have been roving about the streets, city workers have been encouraged not to stray too far from workplaces, in the case of some Bankers not to leave the building at all. The skies are teaming with helicopters and only now is silence descending on the City. I won’t go on as this subject has had much coverage throughout the land. One thing I will add though is a link to a ‘mock the news’ type website that had me in stitches.. enjoy

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/business/city-workers-urged-to-dress-like-scum-and-talk-about-%27corrie%27-200904011676/

Now onto other things. Today I have over indulged in all things revolting and feel that I may have too revoke my firm plan not to do any exercise this side of .. well .. ever. I have successfully munched my way through 3 Krispy Kreme doughnuts, a bacon & cheese croissant as well as a Pret croissant washing this all down with 2 cans of coke. To be honest if it had only been one of everything I would have felt fine with my consumption, as it is I have totally grossed myself out.

I have a funny relationship with food. Unlike Americo I won’t ever cook a meal just for myself - if I lived alone the kitchen would be as a desert.. Seldom visited! Bizarrely, due to Americo’s love of food, I have become quite proficient in the kitchen. This is more a testament of Americo’s cooking skills than my desire to please him.

Nope, my true love lies in all things junk food related, generally I am not excessive, the problem comes when I try to limit myself. The minute I feel as though I am denied I get overly obsessive and cannot rest until I have had what I crave. The old adage of nothing to excess definitely applies to me. So on that note I shall be refraining from getting the bus home and doing a 20 minute power walk instead!

DREAMS

2009-03-31T11:11:00.000+01:00

Last night my dreams were littered with many various and unsavoury characters. I do not remember in detail all that happened but can recall there was a ‘dark’ production of Mama Mia set in swamp land, with a haunted house and the requisite ghosts and ghouls. My imagination truly is alive and well. I only need to watch, read, see or speak to someone and if it makes an impression (good or bad) you can be guaranteed that I will be dreaming of it that night.

So what does my Haunted Mama Mia reproduction represent? Well, I have a feeling that it has something to do with the G20 demonstrations and predicted riots expected in the City tomorrow. Nothing like the slogans of ‘burn a banker’ set to Abba!

Speaking of the G20 demonstrations there has been much speculation about how things will be in the City. Many employees have been advised to either stay home, work from non city based offices, or, if coming into the City, keep a low profile and refrain from any external meetings. Bank of England and the surrounding buildings have boarded up their offices and all is in preparation. But what are we REALLY expecting? Will these just be peaceful demonstrations? Or will it be a re-enactment of the 90’s May Day riots that caused millions of pounds worth of damage with thousands of people running about the streets of London with mayhem on their minds.

I will have to up date you tomorrow. All I know is that I have stocked up on my coke rations along with snacks and other edible necessities .. just in case!

MEN

2009-03-30T11:59:00.000+01:00

Not often is Americo out of favour with me but on Friday night I lost all humour.

It started like this, Americo called at about 7 to say that he would be home a little late as he was ‘getting a quick pint in with the boys’. Not a problem. 10 pm came and went and at about 12 he wonders through the door………… with a work colleague. I have to admit that I was feeling vaguely irritated that he was home so late, mostly because we were getting a take out and I had agreed to wait.

My slight irritation accelerated to major when he walked in with his friend. Not because his friend was unwelcome but because the house looked like a hurricane had gone through with devastating effects. Add to that, the fact I looked the epitome of a frumpy housewife dressed in Americo’s tracksuit pants and scrubby old jumper - with my hair perched dubiously at the top of my head. All that was missing was a face mask and teddy bear slippers!

In typical male fashion Americo could not understand the issue? I guess the up side of this is that any future dealings with his work colleagues can only be an improvement on the first. Hopefully.

On Saturday I got my hair cut. I love it and as such was very excited to show Americo. When I got home, after a marathon 3 hours at the salon, Americo was upstairs in the bath. I wondered through to say hi and almost gave him a heart attack as he didn’t immediately recognise me! I have since been assured that he REALLY does like my new blonder self.

TGIF

2009-03-27T13:35:00.000Z

Today I have travelled London! I have been to the City, The Docklands and shortly I will proceed to The West End and hopefully home. Aaah my poor feet! Admittedly I am not wearing the most appropriate shoes but what can you do? Is it not like I can roll up to a clients office in my tatty old trainers.

This weekend should hopefully be a fairly relaxed one mostly consisting of rearranging the mess that is our household a haircut and lunch. Sadly the best laid plans and all that.. I have just had a call from a friend, who we are meeting next weekend for lunch. Saying that he is now working shift and that the lunch for next weekend needs to be moved to this, which means I am going to have to try and move the lunch we have this weekend to next. When did arrangements all become so complicated? There was a time when I did not need to have a calendar to keep track of our social lives but now things have gotten out of control.

THIS AND THAT

2009-03-26T12:44:00.001Z

We have, at last come to the dregs of our deep freezer, having consumed many, many K.G’s of meat over the past 8 months. At the moment our frozen treasure trove holds exactly.. one packet of ice and a roast pork! I think this is the first time our ‘cupboard’ has been so bare but we are trying not to do a major shop until our return from South Africa. How we are going to achieve this I am not quite sure. As it is I have had to be very creative with my cooking – much to Americo’s satisfaction! On Monday night I made improvised cottage pie with bacon, mushrooms, peppers, beans and mince. Americo loved it so much he almost single handedly at the entire thing.

This week I have not been feeling very well and therefore a little bit grumpy. I hate being sick, it frustrates me that my brain works through a foggy haze making the simplest task feel like a huge chore. I am sure everyone feels the same but that doesn’t make what I am feeling any bloody better!!!!

As I have mentioned we are off to South Africa in two weeks for my cousin’s wedding and a wonderful 10 days in the sun. I am sure all the ladies will understand when I say “I simply have NOTHING to wear” and so, Americo, taking pity on his woe begotten wife, gave me a budget to spend on a dress. I am glad to say that I have now blown all my cash on a beautiful outfit with shoes (only going over my allowance by £25)!! This is a considerable achievement as both dress and shoes are beautiful and I will get great enjoyment from wearing them often.

Unfortunately that is all for today as my brain is going into neutral and the mist is slowly descending making all communication nigh on impossible.

SOMEONE AT THE DOOR

2009-03-23T12:36:00.001Z

On Friday night, as I sat at home awaiting the appearance of my husband, there was a knock at the door. Americo hates me opening the door to strangers when I am home alone, so I dutifully looked through the spy-hole and saw a little old lady upon the step. What a conundrum, to open the door or not? Courtesy won the day and I enquired as to if I could be of any assistance. Turns out that she did require some assistance, but not for something I was prepared to give!

Once I had opened the door she asked where the previous owners had gone, did I have a forwarding address etc, etc. I answered as best I could that they had moved on and unfortunately I did not know where too. She then proceeded to say how lucky we were with our house as they, the previous owners, had done a spectacular job of doing it up. I agreed, wondering where this was all leading too, I soon discovered…

“So,” said my unexpected visitor. “How many people live here, just you by yourself?”
“No, my husband as well.” I responded.
“When the previous owners were here I toured round the whole house, I always used to come round for tea.”
“mmmm” I responded noncommittally.
“Nice big house, two bathrooms, the top bedroom is very nice. The one with the en-suite.”
“Yes it is I agreed” wondering when it would be polite to withdraw
“Well, my daughter is getting married in a few weeks and I was wondering if she could move in here?”

Words fail me! I graciously declined her request for family to move in with us.. twice, when asked if I was ‘absolutely certain’ and beat a hasty retreat once the suggestion of dinner came up.

After disentangling myself, I called Americo to give him the latest update from the home front. He, unsurprisingly was flabbergasted saying ‘I’ve told you not to answer the door to anyone!’

So, what is the moral of my story? In future I shall pay attention to my husbands wishes .. at least in this case and ignore anyone who knocks on the door without a gilt edged invitation!!

LIGHT UP, LIGHT UP

2009-03-19T17:19:00.002Z

In my excitement about spring I forgot to mention that this weekend just gone Americo and I went, with friends, to the Snow Patrol concert at the O2. Walking about the O2 you would not believe that there is a supposed credit crunch slamming the quiet shores of Briton. It was heaving, with queues to get into bars and restaurants you had to fight your way out of the complex to get some fresh air.. or in my case a smoke!

The main act started at 9 so we made our way into the arena at about 8.30pm and managed to get a surprisingly good standing area. As we were fairly close to the front we were in the thick of things with the swaying masses of sweaty bodies. Neither Americo nor I are huge followers of Snow Patrol but we do enjoy their music and there is definitely no better way to appreciate a band than when there are 15 thousand people singing along! Saying that I must admit that my days of being a groupie are well and truly over.

With no smoking allowed in enclosed spaces you get the full sensory attack of bad body odour to name the least offensive. A true delight when you are new to the world of concerts but one to be avoided at all costs if you have a sense of smell! Although, the 17 year olds behind us shouting ‘We love you’ added a certain element of innocent enjoyment; not so the gromit up front who kept sniffing her armpits ….

Feet aching we limped our way home via tube and bus to crash into bed. Ever since I have had their song ‘Run’ stuck in my head never to be displaced. So, in the spirit of sharing here are the chorus words to said song, enjoy!

Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

SPRING

2009-03-17T15:27:00.002Z

At last Spring has Sprung! Sunday was our first day, this year, to sit outside in the sunshine and have breakfast. As Americo sat there eating a hearty meal he was blissfully unaware of my mind taking in the garden. Or what will shortly be a garden…

I have grand designs for our little patch of earth and am eager to put my husband to work. Unfortunately, with things related to dirt, I have a slight phobia … I hate my hands getting dirty.

This poses a slight problem, as how can you garden without getting in amongst the muck? Gloves! I hear you say .. but you would be incorrect, I have learned from experience that once my gloves get dirty I still need to start in and wash my hands and so the cycle goes on.

Luckily all is not lost, as I chose the most understanding of men who fully appreciates my dilemma, and does not mind one bit that I shall be directing operations from a safe distance…. Preferably with a PIMMS in hand! Perhaps a little bit of wishful thinking on my part!

CARS...

2009-03-13T16:00:00.000Z

I was in such a hurry to leave Zimbabwe and do my two or so years of travelling that I didn’t bother to get my drivers licence. This never caused me much of a problem as London is incredibly commuter friendly. Once I had been here awhile I decided that I ought to get my licence, being the responsible adult I had become. So I started taking lessons, the only problem was my instructor turned me into a nervous wreck and after my second lesson I vowed never to set foot on the drivers side of a car again.

I had quite successfully nominated Americo as HEAD DRIVER, this being a win-win situation where Americo got show off his manly driving skills and I could sit there being suitably impressed. However, things were blown off course, when, after much coercion from both Americo and my mom I was lured back into the driver’s seat and got my licence. Americo’s favourite thing was to ‘encourage’ me to drive to the shops.. on my own .. and do the shopping. A very cunning plan of his under the guise of helping me get driving experience, when in reality he just did not want be involved in groceries! I do actually enjoy driving but thought I might share some of my funny experiences in this area..

The first time I went out to the store on my own I had to park the car, no problem… weeell maybe a small one, not enough room for me to get out the door. Easily remedied – jump out the other side and hope the next person who parks is at a distance from me! One slight hitch in my plan, there was a bloke waiting in the car beside me, obviously I could not clamber over the passengers seat, so after much scrabbling about in my bag I come up with some lipstick and pretend to apply. Eventually he left and I dashed out and did the shopping.

Sometime after this Americo, who was completing his ACCA and doing courses on Saturday’s, woke me up at some ungodly hour to take him to his class. I won’t mention my morning thing again but please bear this in mind when you continue to read.

I was persuaded to drop him off and given instructions to fill up the car, how hard can it be? After leaving him to get educated I went off to the nearest service station to ‘fill up’ the car. Hmmmmm… I had not stalled the car AND I’d managed to park within reasonable distance to the pump.. i.e. the hosey thing could reach. Out I got and managed, quite successfully, to get the cap off the tank and start filling the car (as you do!). Once I was done I went in to pay the delightful little fellow behind the counter. He looks at me, looks at my car and says “that will be 28 PENCE please….?”. Had I been more awake I would have handed over my card and said ‘Thank you’.

As it was I tried to explain that I had never filled a car with petrol, in all good third world countries we have petrol attendants! To be fair, if he had handed me a Jerry can and hosepipe I would have managed quite perfectly, thank you very much.

That evening when Americo returned I told him of my distressing car filling (or not) experience. Being the lovely, supporting boyfriend he was at the time, he keeled over and packed out laughing. Men are so smug!

I, however explained the epiphany I had had – next time I have to fill up the car I shall wear a very low cut shirt and incredibly high heals and request much assistance… I have never had to fill the car again.

AUSTRALIA

2009-03-10T12:17:00.000Z

This weekend we had friends round for dinner. There were 7 of us in total and one baby addition. I love nights like this, good food, good friends and good drink! Not that I am a major drinker, but I must admit that when you are sitting round the table, solving all the worlds problems, there is nothing better than a good scotch on the rocks. Saturday night was extra special as we were introduced to J & J’s little daughter, who is very new to the world at a month old. She behaved wonderfully and to be honest by the end of the evening I was feeling that little tug towards motherhood. Not so Americo!

Americo comes from a family of all boys, his experience of babies is nil to non existent. In fact I remember when we were dating in Zimbabwe and his sister in law brought round his newborn nephew for a family introduction. Americo peered into the pram, lifted some blankets, looked blankly at L and said “where is it?”. Some people love babies, some people don’t, Americo on the other hand just has no idea what to do with something so small!

As I have mentioned before we (I think mostly me) were looking at applying for our visa to Australia. Mentally I have already relocated, planned where we are going to live and envisioned everything. I cannot see us settling here, in the UK and at the rate Zimbabwe is floundering I cannot see us settling there either. This leaves us in a very tricky predicament. Luckily when I chose my husband, I selected best of the man brand. Americo and I are very good at different things, I tend to rush ahead with mad-hatter schemes, looking into this and that, whilst Americo ponders the options set before him, then tackles them in an irritatingly logical way - thank goodness I married him as I am not sure anyone else would stand so strong against the force of my will!

Americo is a natural pessimist whilst I am an eternal optimist and the one trait we both share in abundance is our tenacious belief that we are correct… However, after long discussions I learn to temper my enthusiasm and he takes on some of my excitement. So what about Australia? Well my friends we have decided to delay. Our decision will be made once we have returned from our holiday to Aus in December. This is a revoltingly sensible and depressingly logical decision but will, I am sure, eventually lead to the best outcome.

Meanwhile time marches on, we only have a month before we are off to South Africa and our diaries are fully booked until then.

Homesick

2009-03-08T22:22:00.004Z

Tonight I am feeling incredibly homesick. Who would have thought that after being away for so long I can still feel it so intensely?

When Americo and I got married his company very kindly gave us a digital photo frame. Until this weekend we had not so much as taken it out of it's box. I am not sure what inspired him, but on Saturday afternoon Americo sat and downloaded photos onto it. Below is the reason for my melancholy mood!

Sunset over Lake Kariba

Dawn on Kariba

HOME!

Leopard Rock - Vumba

HOUSE SHARES

2009-03-04T16:31:00.001Z

I first arrived in the UK at the tender age of 18 and moved into a small house-share with friends from Zim. The saying ‘you never know someone till you’ve lived with them’ has never rung more true.

I landed in London having been given various warnings about the people I would meet. My particular favourite was “don’t look at any one in the tube.. you will get stabbed”. In reality I should have been warned about the people I was to live with. Having come from a small town and lived a fairly sheltered life my new home was a huge shock to the system.

We moved into a third floor, ex-council apartment, near Bethnal Green station. There were no elevators, a prevalent smell of piss along every corridor and a huge sign on the stairs requesting ‘NO SPITTING’. Independence!

Mud Island, as we affectionately refer to England, proved to be harder to crack than initially thought. As I was so young, with no work experience, I really struggled to find a job. My housemates, all having arrived at the same time did not fare much better. We were all doing various odd temping jobs bringing in enough to pay the bills but not much more.

Our one housemate, S, used to work extremely odd hours. Sleeping all day, working all night. To my naïve mind this was nothing so abnormal.. I mean, this is London. One fine day my other sharer ‘A’ turned to me and said… ‘you know she is a prossie don’t you?’. Truthfully, I did not. It never occurred to me that someone I had been friends with in Zimbabwe would turn out to be a street walker! A went on to explain that she had been offered a room by one of her punters for no rent ‘merely a blowjob a week’! Hmmm.

Anyway, about this time I had to go home for my brother’s wedding. I had only been in the UK about two months and landed in sunny Zim in a bit of a state. One my first evening home with my parents and brother I explained that I was broke and couldn’t get work.

My brother looked at me and said ‘How have you managed to spend all your money’, at which stage I burst into tears and said …

“I’m living with a prostitute!”

I am glad to say things have vastly improved since then!!

HOME ALONE

2009-03-02T15:30:00.001Z

This weekend Americo went for the bachelor part of the hen I went to last weekend.

As they were flying to Belfast I was woken up at the crack of dawn to drive him to the station. It was a proud moment for my dear husband as I stumbled out of the house in my pyjamas at 6:45 on Saturday morn.

When I returned home P, who spent Friday night and Saturday with me, was still safely tucked up in bed. I thought it was very charitable of me to let her sleep in! When Americo woke me I believe I muttered something to the effect of “if you pull P out of bed by her feet I will get out of bed to come and watch”. You see, if I am unpleasant in the morning P is doubly so, thus it would have made waking up worthwhile!

Saturday night I was on my ownsome, lonesome, P having left earlier in the evening. I don’t know what it is about being home alone but you seem to regress. In that moment, when all the lights are off and I am lying in bed, it feels as though every bogey man from my childhood has come back to haunt me. I know it is ridiculous, but still I am scouring the shadows, looking for my make believe axe murderer who has somehow materialised now that all is in darkness. This reminds me of one big bump in the night….

Sometime ago in our old house, Americo and I had just gotten into bed and turned off the lights when there was an almighty crash. Americo leapt out of bed, yanked open a draw and dashed downstairs to confront our would be intruder. When he came back upstairs I asked what he had retrieved from the draw. To my astonishment I found out it was a hulking, great big kitchen knife! Said knife was kept in our room should the need arise for Americo to protect his devoted wife. Anyhow, that weekend we had friends for dinner and I told the story of Americo and the Knife.

As occasionally happens one of our friends ended up staying the night. The next morning, over breakfast, he tells me how he woke up, desperate for a pee but petrified about going to the loo and being accosted by a naked, knife wielding Americo!

WHO STOLE THE 'R'

2009-02-26T11:18:00.000Z

I love my job, but recently I have realised that is it not so much a career that I am after, more a, what is the word … oh yes! Paycheque. Truly this is what makes me wake up in the morning, smile at people who irritate me and answer stupid questions.

Today, for instance, my esteemed leader and commander is arguing that there are computer pixies mysteriously stealing R’s from our correspondence. Interestingly though these, computer R stealing nymphs, only steal the R’s from youR, thereby turning all sensible e-mails into a confused mix of you’s instead of your’s! Obviously there is a highly organised, R stealing, gang roving about our office cyberspace.

This has been a long standing debate, with me, (patiently) trying to explain that dropping an R from your is a fairly common typing error. HE, however is sticking firmly to the fact that gremlins and goblins are trying to take over the world, one R at a time.

TROUBLE!

2009-02-24T17:19:00.000Z

Last night Americo and I were chatting about my weekend away for S’s hen party and my realisation that on occasion I can be slightly outspoken. I have never really considered myself an outrageous person but, judging but the occasional shocked expressions at some of my comments, it would seem I am.

For S’s party we each bought a gift and had to write a little poem to help her guess who the donor was. I must admit my poem was incredibly naff, along the lines of .. ‘roses are red..’ but the card I wrote it on was brilliant. S took one look at the card, without reading the poem and said ‘YOU!’. So what gave it away? Well my poem was written on a little postcard with the picture of a 1950’s housewife and the following written on it “if you want breakfast in bed… you had better sleep in the kitchen”. Sooo my train of thought!

This morning I was in trouble with Americo. He, being an accountant, is very good at keeping ALL paperwork and receipts. I, on the other hand, am really quite crap. So why was I in trouble? Well, last year we bought a new iron, said iron gave up the ghost a few weeks back and is still under guarantee. However, as I bought the iron chances are that I have chucked the receipt, (I mean IT WAS ALMOST A YEAR AGO!) and therefore we cannot get our money back. So we have had the broken iron sitting by the new – working – iron and mocking Americo that he chose the most rubbish wife of the lot, who never pays any attention to the paperwork! The good news is that he has decided to keep me as I make a mean oxtail stew and may refuse to feed him if he doesn’t!

Thankfully marital bliss has been restored and all is once again right with the world.

LADIES ON TOUR

2009-02-23T11:23:00.002Z

Well I am back, and I survived!

Friday I was up at the crack of dawn to meet my cousin, S, at the airport and begin the long drive down to Plymouth for her hen party.

Tee is nothing if not organised. Never mind that she has a 3 month old baby, she single handedly organised her sister’s hen party to perfection.

We arrived at our country cottage, miles from civilisation with absolutely no mobile signal but plenty of booze. The cottage had two fridges, luckily, as one was dedicated to booze - beer, champagne, wine etc, etc, etc. The other, half fridge, was ram packed with all the food for the weekend. In true Lowry fashion a ‘top shelf’ was also provided – this consisted of all the ‘hard’ liquor, including but not restricted too vodka, whisky, gin, rum, paint stripper and shooters. Thus began our weekend…..

One of the main targets was to shift the booze from full bottles on the left side of the room to empty vessels on the right. I have to admit we did a fairly admirable job with many a hangover successfully achieved.

S was dressed up as befits the hen complaining loudly and threatening retribution on all unmarried women in the group.

We all had a wonderful weekend and I now firmly believe more people should get married. Never mind the happily ever after – it is all about the parties beforehand!!

Americo, along with all the other husbands and boyfriends, was completely neglected due to the lack of mobile signal. I called him once we had left the ‘dead zone’ to find out how his weekend of manly bliss had been…

In the past 5 years Americo and I have spent a grand total of about 3 months apart. Since we bought our first house, 3 years ago, he has never really spent a night alone. So this weekend was a first and he did not like it! Even the vacuuming could not take his mind off things, so much so he slept in the spare bedroom because it was too lonely in our bed.

Ahh love!

GIRLS WEEKEND..

2009-02-19T15:04:00.001Z

This weekend I am off to commiserate the loss of a single friend as another fabulous lady falls to the lure of home and husband. So ladies and gentlemen I shall not be writing tomorrow but will give a full update of a, hopefully, debaucher-ous few days with the girls. To this end I have surfed the internet and scoured the recesses of dodgy shops looking for suitably embarrassing gifts – my personal favourites are peppermint peckers… and fizzy willies! Hahahhaha brilliant! I won’t mention the games said gifts are prizes for; lets just leave that to the imagination.

And what shall Americo be doing whilst I am dashing about the countryside I hear you ask? Well, hopefully the vacuuming - as a therapeutic means of keeping his mind off how much he will be missing me!

MORNING!

2009-02-17T10:37:00.002Z

Yesterday I was grouchy, as I have mentioned before mornings are not my time of day but yesterday I had an extreme reaction to the alarm clock. Said alarm clock being Americo’s going off at 5:45am! 5.45 in the morning is not a time, it is a death sentence..

When my alarm went off at just after 7 I rolled over to see ‘himself’ slumbering sweetly next to me. This elevated my frustration levels, I don’t mind being woken up for a purpose i.e he gets out of bed and goes to work, but to be woken up just for jollies.

Anyhow I clambered out of bed and, looking down at his sleeping form, flicked on the lights and whipped off the duvet. Aaaah satisfaction! Americo meanwhile did not know what had hit him, looking up at me with questioning eyes I pulled the pillow and said ‘Out!’.

Americo and I have been together for close on 6 years, he knows my wonderful character quirks, he also knows that if he wishes to get up at any hour before me, too………..

JUMP out of bed as though the bats of hell were after his soul!

VALENTINE BE MINE

2009-02-16T17:00:00.002Z

I used to love Valentines Day when I was at school but with age comes cynicism - there is nothing romantic about being forced into romance. Saying that I am not at all averse to Americo rushing home with a big bunch of flowers, on any other day of the year!!

This year we were anti-valentines, our Saturday was spent doing paperwork. Not just any paperwork though, we sat down to do our Wills.

Initially I thought that this would be a fairly simple task to attend too. I was misled. There are so many possibilities you have to look into. What happens if I die, or he dies, or WE die, where does everything go if we have children OR don’t have children and so it went on, and on until well into the night.

This is obviously a really macabre topic but in some respects it is possibly the most romantic thing we are ever likely to do. Oh I am not suggesting it is romantic in a mainstream kind of way and trust me a new Will every year is not going to replace the red roses, but…

There is a huge commitment when you sit down and contemplate mortality, knowing that both parties care enough to take care of the other, even in death. Neither of us want to be in a situation where should the worse happen it is made even worse by the fact that there is no Will.

So, if you love somebody go out and do your Will today! ;0)

INVASIONS .. AGAIN!

2009-02-13T16:30:00.001Z

Last night I received a call from my cousin whose mother’s farm has been invaded… again. My aunt no longer lives on the farm but rents it out to a young family. Anyhow I don’t know the full details, or whether anyone was hurt, but hearing these things starts an immediate chain reaction.

I call Americo to top up our phone card and desperately try to reach my parents. They only have mobile phones and signal in Zim is erratic, at the best of times. It takes about 30 minutes of continuous redialling to eventually, possibly, MAYBE get a ringing tone.

These calls of potential threats to family and friends happen often. I have learnt to control my urge to panic and realise that the chances are my parents will be okay… eventually I will manage to get through. That is the logical side of my brain, but a little voice whispers.. ‘yes, but what if this time it’s different?’

This week Zimbabwean’s had so much hope for our country. Yes Mugabe is still the figurehead but change is coming our way. I wish I could say that my voice joined those of the true optimistic, but it did not. I have watched Zimbabwe flounder and fail so many times, had my hopes dashed and watched my parents struggle in a doomed economy.

Now just as there is a resurgence of hope what happens? Well the ‘war veterans’ have been advised that they have carte blanch to re-invade land, even those properties returned via court order. The story has it that this spate of lawlessness includes an expiry date of 21st February 2009 – ironically Mr M’s B.day celebrations are on this day.

It makes you wonder what little bobby dazzler he has up his sleeve? Rumours are rife that the ‘high chief’ will be retiring after his b.day. We shall see, we shall see.

In the meantime it looks as though things for Mr Tsvangirai will be off to burning start..

Family, babies…WHAT?

2009-02-12T17:14:00.000Z

There are many questions in life but the two that carry the most pressure are -
1. When are you getting married? Followed swiftly by;
2. When are you having kids?

I am sure the girls will have noticed that men NEVER get bombarded with these questions, it is always the woman. The truth is that, for the most part, we are hard wired, well, can you blame us? Let me explain…

Throughout the ages spinsterhood has never been something to aspire too. When I was about 21 an elderly aunt turned to me and said, “My dear, you need to start settling down – don’t want to be left all alone on the shelf now, do we?”. Lets face it, when you reach a certain age and have not yet managed to snag yourself a man you begin to feel certain pressures. Once you have got said man the pressures increase and the above two questions start coming to the fore.

Men on the other hand have it great. They are bachelors, even the word sounds exciting. No single female shouts from the roof tops .. ‘I’m a SPINSTER!’. But the boys are BACHELORS, it is cool, suave with a devil may care attitude thrown in for spice. It doesn’t matter if you’re 35, living with mom and a belly spilling over your trousers .. you’re a single manly stud!

Getting married evens things out, there is only one label and one more question… that’s right folks – when are you having kids. The bells have barely stopped ringing before this question rears its head.

The thing is, what if you don’t want kids? (how controversial)

Luckily we do not have to answer that question as the fact is we would like to have children. At some stage… therein lies the problem! Grand-children, nephews, nieces and cousins are expected, sooner rather than later. A few months a go my 6 year old niece requested that we produce another cousin for her as soon as possible, oh if it were that simple.

For instance, when are you ready to take that leap? In the 21st century people are waiting longer to get married and have children. You’ve now had that much more time to live a delightfully selfish existence. All that FREEDOM.

I suppose the trick is not to think about it, close your eyes and leap blindly into the abyss of parenthood with a packet of wet wipes in one hand and every emergency number you know in the other!!

FINDING HOME

2009-02-11T09:07:00.001Z

Last night Americo and I sat down to the news and watched the devastation the fires in Australia have caused. There are some amazing stories of heroism and awful tales of loss. Our thoughts go out to the Australians at this time.

Actually our thoughts have been on Australia a lot recently. We are debating the pro’s and con’s of shifting to the other side of the universe. This is a topic that has had much mileage in our household. As much as I love my life here, in London, I really love the sun more!! In an ideal world we would be going home. Sadly though there is now no home to go to. We are of the lost Zimbabwean generation – two of millions that left always expecting to go back, only to find that there is nothing to go back too. And so we must find ourselves a new heritage.

Our search has been extensive, including a little sojourn into Mozambique. It was a fated trip from the beginning…

We had borrowed my sister in law’s car for the journey from Nelspruit to Maputo. The night before we were due to leave the mechanism for the automatic window broke so we sealed it in the ‘up right position’. Off we set in the sweltering December heat with our unopening driver’s side window for the border of South Africa & Mozambique. How to explain the border control…. Basically I sat in a delightfully air conditioned room, handed my passport over to some fellow who, for a small fee, got it stamped and cleared ready for entry into Moz – all this done without me once setting foot into the customs office. In any other country this would SO not be permitted but hey! Onwards to Maputo…

As I mentioned the window on Americo’s side of the car was sealed shut so every toll we came to he basically had to open the door, undo his seatbelt, step out of the car and hand over the cash. A long and drawn out process that, when you are stopped at roadblocks manned by police carrying AK47’s, becomes somewhat life threatening. I feel I should mention here that while some nations excel in sports, cultural diversity and so on Mozambique has taken corruption and honed it into a fine art form. The police are so crooked they make a zig zag look straight. In fact, I wonder how any illegal activity ends with a prison sentence as I feel that moral standards are left to the highest bidder!

So saying, YES we did get stopped by the police and YES we did have to pay a ‘fee’. Actually we were stopped by the police numerous times all desperately seeking something, anything.. At our last road block finding that there was nothing to hold us for, (we having become quite savvy) the copper requested that we drive to the nearest supermarket and grab him a drink – all that thirsty work! Thus we ended our trip to Moz

Once safely back on South African soil we were chatting to a bloke who contracts in Moz for a large company. He was very sympathetic about our bribery problems saying..

“If I had known you were going I would have given you my card”.

“Card?” asks Americo

“Ja man, the company pays a ‘donation’ annually to the police force, show them the card and no problems”.

Anyway we decided that Mozambique was not for us. It is fine for a holiday far, far away from civilisation, in the middle of the bush, but not for us who stupidly believe the police should be of some assistance!!

So we look to Australia and carry on hoping for Zimbabwe.

INTEREST RATE CUT

2009-02-06T12:24:00.003Z

In case you haven’t already heard the Bank of England has dropped its base rate 0.5% points to 1%. Since the inception of the BoE this is their lowest rate ever. There are concerns throughout the financial sector that this is going to bring on more banking woes.

With interest rates so low people will not be keen on putting their savings into bank accounts, anyone with cash will be looking to invest this for a more lucrative return. And so begins another downwards spiral… with the general populous not investing their savings into banks, they (the banks) are concerned that there will be minimal funds for mortgages, with no-one able to get a mortgage, no properties will be sold etc, etc, etc. The BoE meanwhile believes that these rate cuts will help to kick start the property market however with most lenders asking for 25% deposit buying a house is still out of the reach of most people.

In some respects A & I are actually quite lucky as we bought our house last year just as everything started crashing.. okay that was not the lucky part, BUT imagine if we had had all our life savings in one of the banks that folded? We would have had nothing or still had something but been earning no interest. Anyway I love our home so it makes no difference whether it was sensible or not.

Since the recent cold snap we have been keeping our heating on at a very low but constant temperature and have noticed that our front door .. which is incredibly temperamental, has become easier to open.

You see, the minute it started raining the door swelled, it swelled so much that I could hardly get out the house. This was fine as Americo could wrestle the door into submission. Unfortunately one morning he decided to actually get up when his alarm went off and left before me. (Mornings are really not when I am at my most inspirational. In fact as a general rule I do not encourage people to talk to me until at least 10am, preferably not before 12pm and most DEFINITELY not before I have had my morning coca cola!) So down I trundle in my 5” heels, and pull open the door… only I pulled and the door did not open.

I discussed, with the door, the various merits of letting me out, namely to earn a living in order to keep on affording the mortgage…. Nothing. By this time I was running late, my hands were sore and I was losing humour – fast, plus I had to call my ‘lord and master’ to explain that due to technical difficulties I could not get out the house and would be late for work. Unsurprisingly he was sarcastic and completely unsympathetic to my cause! I tried shouting over the wall for my neighbour to HELP but my cries went unanswered, eventually I managed to coax some stranger walking outside to come and push the door from their side whilst I pulled. At last – FREEDOM!!

The Door and I have now come to an agreement…. Leave Americo to do all the opening, just as my mother told me!!

PETS

2009-02-04T17:37:00.001Z

Americo loves dogs, I am sure in a past life he must have been one. When we were dating in Zimbabwe his family had a big old Alsatian. Arios was its name and he was trained as a mine sniffer, as the name suggests he cleared mines.. in Mozambique. I do not remember how Americo got to have him, I think he was retired.

Anyway, now that we are all grown up and starting our ‘proper’ adult life, you begin to think getting a pet would be nice. The thing is I don’t really like pets, I lack the dedication.

I believe this all stems from when I was growing up on the farm. My parents live in a small farming community on the border of Mozambique. Now when I say the border, I mean we are about 50 metres off the 70 metre mine field that separates Mozambique from Zimbabwe.

As a family we always had lots of pets and back then I loved dogs. The thing is most of the pets I remember came to rather violent ends. I had a beautiful Redsetter called Lady, one day I came home from school and found that Lady had run into the minefield and been blown up. The next I have in my memory is ‘midnight’, he had to be put down due to getting infected with rabies… which meant that I had to go for several rounds of jabs.

In fact, I think it was the MANY journeys to the hospital for rabies jabs that actually put me off pets! Now don’t get me wrong, I love the though of having a pet and appreciate other peoples, its just that I cannot muster the enthusiasm to follow the thought!!

Let it SNOW!

2009-02-03T15:42:00.001Z

This weekend it snowed like it has not done for almost 20 years in London. I love snow, it is the one type of winter weather that brings people together. It is not like rain that can be just miserable, or wind that howls about you making you feel the dead are about to rise and conquer. No. When it snows it seems time has stopped, everything goes still and silent while soft flakes turn the whole world into a magical wonderland.

My sister stayed the weekend, she planned on going home Sunday night but was persuaded not to bother as it was already quite late. The weather had been really chilly then on Sunday the first snowflakes arrived. As darkness fell things picked up, huge flurries making the night look like icing sugar sprinkled from above. We were like kids, T & I were running up and down the street with our tongues out trying to catch the snow (Americo pretended not to know us!). Snow balls were rolled and thrown amongst many gleeful giggles.

That night we all went to bed with the curtains open, watching the snow fall. As we never really get much snow in London it was such a novelty which we were sure would all be gone by dawn. To our immense surprise and pleasure it was still snowing come the morning. Americo left extra early, predicting road chaos, whilst T & I had a quick ciggy in the snow before I left for work too.

Never has the walk to the bus stop been so much fun! Crunch, crunch, CRUNCH!! Large swathes of untouched whiteness with me, the first person to explore this new and exciting world. Sadly the busses had ALL been cancelled, on any other commuter day this would be the biggest pain in the ar*se, however nothing seems so bad in this new world. I started the hour long slog towards the station however after almost falling on my bottom decided to call the boss who, pleasure of pleasures, said to stay home, London transport systems were broken.

And so began our wonderful ‘snow day’, T & I popped into the shop for supplies, went home and proceed to play cards and ‘snow scrabble’ interspersed with a soirée into the snow fight street wars outside. .

Let it snow, let it snow… let it snow!!

In the News today!

2009-01-29T17:40:00.002Z

Markets fell again today amongst more uncertainty in the banking community. Watching the chaos with the banks is like a virtual rollercoaster ride, yesterday up today down - I am curious to see what tomorrow will bring….

For once there is some good news in Zimbabwe, the ‘government’ has seen the light and are allowing businesses and people to trade with forex. For years the government has been losing out on taxes – how can you tax a bartering system? Well you cannot! There is no way to document getting your house painted or roof repaired for the other party to service your car in return. Mugabe & his fighters fought the Rhodesians so ‘his people could be free’ but who is there now to save the Zimbabweans from Mugabe?

With the whole world in various stages of turmoil and the first world countries needing to keep their resources close to home what happens with regards to aid? Historically these countries have been the first to step up offering assistance to the poorer nations in times of need. However, everyone is in need at the moment. Europe & America cannot, in good conscience send money out when they will be having issues of their own. With this in mind I wonder if it will incentivise the African communities to pull together and feed their starving?

Either way I view aid as a catch 22 – the more it is given to Africa (for example) the less likely Africa is ever going to be able to stand up and be counted. There is no reason for such a rich continent to be reliant on anyone else.

The Art of KFC

2009-01-28T17:06:00.001Z

I cannot lie to Americo not even the teeny fibs that make no difference to our life. For instance,

Last night I had a huge craving for KFC, fondly referred to in our house as Contraband ‘kin filthy. From this name you might have, rightly, deduced that Americo is not a fan. I, on the other hand, could eat there daily.

Knowing that for most of this week I shall be a ‘work widow’ I decided to grab my secret ‘kin filthy fix. Now don’t think that Americo was to be left starving, I had made asparagus soup which he loves and I am not so keen on. Anyhow, I dashed home with my take out.

Anyone taking up the art of deception will appreciate that since I was not meant to be eating KFC the remanents had to be disposed of. With this in mind I wrapped up the box along with all other evidence in a Sainsbury’s bag and chucked it. Everything was done to perfection, there was literally no way Americo would ever find out what I had sneaked in…. Except that I cannot lie to Americo!

And there it is folks, I may as well have left that empty carton sitting on the kitchen counter with a neon light. Then again, I don’t think it would have tasted so good or been as much fun if I had!!!

Tuesday's

2009-01-27T17:32:00.001Z

This morning I was running late for work. My alarm went off but instead of pressing snooze I whacked stop… Aggg! Americo, who almost always sets his alarm for 6am and then drags himself out of bed at 8, was still asleep.

Sometimes I look at him lying there all toasty warm, still snuggled up and really have to fight the urge not to whip the covers off him! I am sure he thanks the lord daily for my presence in his life…

Tuesday’s are just one of those days, you don’t hate it because it isn’t Monday but still it is not really a firm favourite. That is definitely how I feel today. The office is so quite it seems to sap all the energy out of me, but I know the minute I step out into the cool, crisp air I shall be revived.

RECESSION

2009-01-26T16:40:00.001Z

The recession is big news here in the UK, everyone is incredibly concerned with the security of their savings, their pensions etc. This week has seen another hit on the banks with huge amounts being lost off share values. Confidence in the financial sector is taking a major knock, banks that you would previously have said were ‘safe as houses’ are floundering waiting for government assistance to pull them through. Where will it end?

One thing is for sure the media are having a field day – nothing sells like death, destruction and a failing economy. Government is trying to incentivise public spending whilst the media counteracts with tales of total financial melt down. Obviously, this instils great confidence in the population and so the cycle continues. In these uncertain times I have become an avid reader of the business section which has never been quite as exciting as it is now!

2009 is likely to be a challenge for many, including ourselves, however I do not believe that we should indulge in the current frenzy of doom too all. So said we have started our contingency plan, nothing major or panicked, more a subtle change of habits in order to plan for a slightly unsettled year ahead. Firstly we have reviewed the house hold bills, sadly there is nothing much to be done here, slight tweaks at best – changing provider for gas & electric, down scaling on the broadband. Another thing we have been very conscious of is electricity, for instance our house is reasonably large and takes FOREVER to heat up, so we currently only put the heating on if it is absolutely freezing or guests are coming round. Everyone thinks we are mad however whether the heating is on, or off, I am still in a heavy duty jacked...

Next we are looking to the food bill. On food there can be no compromise for quality, however we are implementing a ‘smarter’ purchasing plan. Now I know this sounds like logic, but how many of us just pop to the shops and end up with a trolley full of non-necessities costing a bomb? I have made a menu with a months worth of our favourite dishes, including one new, untried, meal per week. Next is a water tight shopping list of exactly what is required for our meals over a two week period. Why haven’t we done this before??

Currently we do a major shop once every 6-8 months at costco for all our bulk purchases i.e. toilet paper, washing powder, shampoo, soap and meat. We buy huge amounts of meat, weigh it and re-package it when we get home. This is a great saving as the meat is of the best quality but also discounted because it is bought in bulk. I estimate that our current food bill can be brought down by about £50 a month. Not a massive saving in itself however taken with other cost cutters I reckon we will be saving an additional £1,200 a year.

Sadly Americo won’t let me spend it on anything else!!

NEW YEAR

2009-01-26T16:38:00.001Z

So 2008 is out and 2009 has well and truly settled in. I always find the beginning of a new year incredibly depressing. I think it has something to do with all those resolutions and everyone attempting to better themselves? For my part I am sticking with what I know, there will be no giving up of anything. Smoking shall continue as before along with all my other vices and general character failings! I shall not be committing myself to a gym membership, so lacking is my enthusiasm to run in one spot and go nowhere.

This brings to mind the one and only time Americo invited me to the gym with him. It was way back in the beginning, at that stage in a relationship when you are still offering to do ridiculous things… A suggested that we spend the day at his gym explaining, at my look of dismay, that it is not REALLY a gym, more like a leisure centre and we will get to spend the whole day together doing fun, but healthy things. As I am not a sporting person by nature I had to raid A’s cupboards for clothes, sadly I do not possess any sweat pants with ‘juicy’ written across the arse.

I was actually feeling quite excited, this would be my first time to set foot into one of these places. We started with warm ups then onto the rowing machine, next up was the treadmill. I detest running, I will not even run if I am late for the bus, so you must understand my feelings towards the treadmill… I looked over at my dashing boyfriend (now husband) running with dedication, feeling that fluttery something I lean over and ask;

“Sweetheart, don’t you think this would more fun if we held hands?” His look of horror, aghast that I should even suggest such a thing in this… THIS temple!

“Rozanne, this is not a walk in the park.. this is a serious work out!” He whispered back. Hmmm to him maybe, but not to me.

Needless to say that was the first and last time we went to the Leisure Centre together. Seriously.. Leisure Center???? More like house of pain.

Anyhow, I digress.. Last year was a big one for A & I, we attempted to do ALL the big life changing events in the space of a few months. In February we got engaged, May we found our dream home, July we finalised the purchase and moved into said home. Our finale was getting married in September.
I am hoping this year will be less frenzied but just as good in all kinds of other ways. So all the best for 2009 may it be another year to remember!